Depression

Dearest Tom, As with many who wrote here, you do not know me nor I you. However, I do know the dark place from which you are emerging. I, too, planned to take my life after my marriage of 20 years ended and I lost my father all within a few months of one another. The pain was so unbearable. I sat at my kitchen table with a bottle of pills laid out before me. I couldn't imagine feeling like that anymore. Somehow I realized that even if I killed my body, my soul would go on tortured and unresolved. Somehow, I found a way to choose to go on -- to fight and try to climb out of that dark pit. It was not an easy decision and the path was not without perile. Tom, you need not feel shame with me. I would not presume to know how you feel, but I do understand the feeling of despair. I have been so fortunate to have found a wonderful therapist who has helped me to learn to love myself. To learn and know of my self worth. To know that I am only defined by me. Tom, you are so valued. I truly hope that you will come to know this of yourself and find a way back to you. Know that you have a friend in me. God bless you.

Hi Tom - no need to apologize! I was just so pleased to see your post and know that you are OK. I haven't "been there" as have some of the others like freegirl, so I can't offer the kind of encouragement as somebody who has been there and come back. What I can say is to encourage you to hear them - it will take time, and the light at the end of the tunnel may be far away at this moment, but it's there, and eventually (and it may take a while) you will walk out into the sunlight again. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us. Keep up the faith.

I am thinking Tom, that your stated goal to swim the 1,650 freestyle at the Nationals in April 2003 in Tempe with the intention of "...busting 20..." minutes, might work against you. The reason I write this, is that what topped all the losses you managed absorbing up to a moment, is the fact that you were in the middle of an 1,650 free and walked out of it; this unleashed the pressure cumulating, waiting for a 'reason' to trigger the depression. I figure that during that last 1,650 free you were burdened and swimming in a pathetic way at the 350 yards mark, then at the 383 yards mark, in what usually was a succesful part of your identity. Swimming 1,650 free and "...busting 20..." minutes, requires a gritty effort, from a serene state of mind to build and to rebuild slowly. In the incoming months from now, if I were in the same situation, I would compete in the 50 and 100 free. They don't require a gritty effort like the 1,650 free, and they give instant gratification. It's good for now.

Dear Ion: I sincerely appreciate your post...Having said that...Please watch in Tempe...The 20 minute wall WILL FALL.It has many times before...but..in a very, very different frame of mind....but, I will bust 20....count on it my friend.... Kindest regards, Tom Ellison

Tom, You have been in my thoughts and prayers since I began reading your thread about 3 weeks ago. I wish I had added my support earlier. Laura Val alerted me to your initial posting and we both been very concerned. As you, I have learned that USMS members are caring and willing to expose their own frailties in order to help a friend they don't even know. I have learned that some will go to great extents to be sure their support is heard and felt. I have also learned that one can get exhausted to the point of hopelessness trying to fight an enemy that never sleeps. When I read your "last" posting, I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. That's when I realized how very hopeless living had become for you and that life without hope would not be worth the fight; even after all the messages of support and concern, you couldn't find your way out of the darkness. Perhaps you still had a glimmer of hope and fight left and that's why you're still with us, looking forward to a swim meet. Along with many, many others, I am very glad you ARE with us and are making plans for the future. One piece of advice, which you can take or leave, is that in your quest to break 20 minutes for the 1650, focus on some process goals along the way, rather than only an outcome goal. Focussing only on an outcome goal can be risky and less than productive in the long run. By focussing on the process goals (stroke mechanics, distance per stroke, streamlines, pushoffs, etc.) and quantifying them, you can find value and satisfaction in the training from something other than the clock. And their value and satisfaction will be measured and evaluated by you, not by an external source, and that is a very productive and positive feeling and way to evaluate your training. Congratulations on choosing life! As time passes, I hope your life will become full and joyous and that you will experience inner peace. I look forward - along with many others - to meeting you in Tempe. Please keep in touch. Nancy

Here here, Mark! Tom, go for it. It has been said that he who tries and fails is infinitely better than he who fails to try. It is in the trying that we are alive. And I have many failures to prove it! :) Which makes the occasional success even sweeter. Andre :cool:

On Tom Ellison's behalf, I would like to say thank you for all the mail I have been receiving for him. I will ensure he gets it promptly! It is obvious from the writing on the envelopes, many of you are concerned if only Tom will read the mail. Let me ASSURE you, ONLY TOM WILL OPEN THIS MAIL. I have no other interest other than helping my friend Tom through this. This is HIS private mail. I am sure these letters will have an impact on Tom and with the integrity and concern shown by the members of US Masters Swimming, I have high hopes that we can get him through these tough times. I will thank these people personally for their contributions to aid Tom with letters, prayer, funds, or all three: Nancy - Oceanport, NJ Rich - Denver, CO Kim - Austin, TX Cinsurins - Castle Rock, CO Dorothy & Ernest - Dallas, TX Ann - Galion, OH Unspecified - Nottingham, MD Laura - Denville, NJ Katie - N. Ft. Meyers, FL These are people taking time to show support by sending letters, I do not mean to leave out my thanks for those responding by email to this discussion thread. It warms my heart to see the support coming through for my friend Tom. It is with your support that I think we can make him see a light ahead; a light that shows direction, not a rushing train! The last time I saw Tom was yesterday at Denny's, where I took him to breakfast. He is helping me with a new business venture that I hope will succeed enough for me to show my appreciation for his efforts. Understand this man has shown me a most complete love for his wife and family and it has never stopped there; his love is shown for each and every human being that comes his way. It is a dreadful shame that Tom's life has taken this sour note with the estrangement of his wife and, through the turmoil, his children. Your letters, cards, contributions and expression of care, are all helping Tom cope with this depression. Our guidance will show him the way and in holding hands together, we can show any person brave enough to share their most severe moments, that we can, and will, be there to help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all US Masters Swimmers for responding. Please keep the cards and letters coming so I can flood Tom with obvious reasons to live. My kindest regards, Les Vollmer I.C.O. Tom Ellison PO Box 5071 Granbury, TX 76049

Indeed Tom - Your post has caused me to look at my own life, to see if I am meeting my own goals. In fact I going to yet again mount an assult on my own initaitives. I hope this post finds you in a stable place, waiting out your own storms. Chris

Tom, Sorry for not putting in my reply earlier but I've been away from the discussion groups... I applaud your strength and ability to reach out. I just wanted to add a brief note of my thanks to YOU. Over the past year, many of your comments and positive attitude to discussions have been an inspiration to me. This year I achieved competing for the 1st time and then went to compete in Australia at the World Masters competition last month. My courage came from people like YOU who have inspired me to push myself and achieve goals such as this. You've inspired many on this forum and will continue to do so. Regards, Dan

I want to thank you all for the wonder cards and heart warming letters. It will take time...but I will answer each card and letter. Many seriously moved and touched me during this very tough time. They helped more then you will ever know... Thank you all! Kindest regards, Tom Ellison