Ok, here it is. This takes a serious amount of courage for me to post this due to the obvious shame if feel here, but, I think it may help someone out there who is also experiencing the same type of situation..The following is an e-mail I wrote to Jim Thorton reaching out for him for guidance and help in this terrible time.
Jim:
I have not posted in two months now due to my severe depression. My wife of 25 years (whom I love dearly left me on 5 Aug.--no hope for our marriage). I attempted an honest crack at Jerry's way out that night...and one other time. So far this past two months I have spent one 12 day stint in the hospital and another week stint in the hospital attempting to deal with this very, very serious problem. To date, I have been unable to shake this thing. I see no hope for my life and frankly the pain and torment is so great that I really do not give a rat’s rear end about anything at this point. My problem is a simply one. I HATE being locked up..and all these units can do for guys like me is lock us up. Heck, I take Jerry's way any day to the padded cell stuff.
Any suggestions. Currently I am on Celexa and the pain and suffering are horrendous to say the least.
Kindest regards,
Tom Ellison
Tom,
You have been in my thoughts and prayers since I began reading your thread about 3 weeks ago. I wish I had added my support earlier. Laura Val alerted me to your initial posting and we both been very concerned.
As you, I have learned that USMS members are caring and willing to expose their own frailties in order to help a friend they don't even know. I have learned that some will go to great extents to be sure their support is heard and felt. I have also learned that one can get exhausted to the point of hopelessness trying to fight an enemy that never sleeps.
When I read your "last" posting, I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. That's when I realized how very hopeless living had become for you and that life without hope would not be worth the fight; even after all the messages of support and concern, you couldn't find your way out of the darkness.
Perhaps you still had a glimmer of hope and fight left and that's why you're still with us, looking forward to a swim meet. Along with many, many others, I am very glad you ARE with us and are making plans for the future.
One piece of advice, which you can take or leave, is that in your quest to break 20 minutes for the 1650, focus on some process goals along the way, rather than only an outcome goal. Focussing only on an outcome goal can be risky and less than productive in the long run. By focussing on the process goals (stroke mechanics, distance per stroke, streamlines, pushoffs, etc.) and quantifying them, you can find value and satisfaction in the training from something other than the clock. And their value and satisfaction will be measured and evaluated by you, not by an external source, and that is a very productive and positive feeling and way to evaluate your training.
Congratulations on choosing life! As time passes, I hope your life will become full and joyous and that you will experience inner peace. I look forward - along with many others - to meeting you in Tempe. Please keep in touch.
Nancy
Tom,
You have been in my thoughts and prayers since I began reading your thread about 3 weeks ago. I wish I had added my support earlier. Laura Val alerted me to your initial posting and we both been very concerned.
As you, I have learned that USMS members are caring and willing to expose their own frailties in order to help a friend they don't even know. I have learned that some will go to great extents to be sure their support is heard and felt. I have also learned that one can get exhausted to the point of hopelessness trying to fight an enemy that never sleeps.
When I read your "last" posting, I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. That's when I realized how very hopeless living had become for you and that life without hope would not be worth the fight; even after all the messages of support and concern, you couldn't find your way out of the darkness.
Perhaps you still had a glimmer of hope and fight left and that's why you're still with us, looking forward to a swim meet. Along with many, many others, I am very glad you ARE with us and are making plans for the future.
One piece of advice, which you can take or leave, is that in your quest to break 20 minutes for the 1650, focus on some process goals along the way, rather than only an outcome goal. Focussing only on an outcome goal can be risky and less than productive in the long run. By focussing on the process goals (stroke mechanics, distance per stroke, streamlines, pushoffs, etc.) and quantifying them, you can find value and satisfaction in the training from something other than the clock. And their value and satisfaction will be measured and evaluated by you, not by an external source, and that is a very productive and positive feeling and way to evaluate your training.
Congratulations on choosing life! As time passes, I hope your life will become full and joyous and that you will experience inner peace. I look forward - along with many others - to meeting you in Tempe. Please keep in touch.
Nancy
