Depression

Konw that I feel fear right now...a great deal of it...but I kow the peace to come will out weight this pain.... Good bye to all my friends in the United States Masters Swimming community. I wanted to thank you all for your prayers, kind posts, private e-mails and heart felt support these past weeks. Please know that I am truly sorry I could not beat this illness and go on with my life. In short, it won and I got out of the pool in the middle of the 1650 free, dried off and went home a beaten man. Only in this case…a minute or so after posting this, I am going to take my life in a manner that will have no chance for survival. My life will be over by the time you read my final post. Please continue to keep this on the sight in hopes that someone out there might seek help much sooner then I did for depression or mental illness. I should have sought help years ago, but felt I could beat this on my own (the old saying that “men are men—where we keep our feelings inside and deal with our problems by ourselves”). Then I lost Kim, estranged my children, lost my dignity, corrupted my self-esteem, my self-respect, my honor, my pride, my home, and my job….which ultimately lead me to this decision to take my life. The pain and guilt were simply too great and the prospects for a normal pain free future were bleak and impossible to say the least. I want to make a special note of thanks to some truly wonderful, decent, caring and loving people that stood by me through all of this. To Jennifer, Greg, Les and Mark in Md., thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and kindness. I feel a tremendous amount of sadness that I let you guys down along with my family, friends and fellow Masters Swimmers. I am truly sorry for this and wished it had turned out different. Know that I loved you all very, very much! In Mark from Md’s case, I never had the opportunity to even meet this fine man, yet he demonstrated a tremendous amount of love and compassion that touched me deeply…thank you Mark. Jim Thornton, I never met you either, yet you attempted to guide me to the right path through your inspiring writing, great advice and words of wisdom. Thank you! Again, thank you all for your prayers, posts, private e-mails, kindness and support; it helped make my last weeks a bit more bearable. Good bye and God bless you all… Love, Tom Ellison

I'm praying that Tom had a last minute change of heart. If anyone knows more about this situation, please post an update. Tom, wherever you are, we wish you well.

3rd party information: From what I understand, Tom is currently in an area hospital. No idea of any details: though hospital = life in my book. Chris

I wept when I read the latest postings in this forum and castigated myself for not doing more. I propose we set up a fund to help Tom assuming he is still alive. I will start by initially anonymously donating $200.0 Anonymous Bob I would set up a method to get the money to him but for personal reasons wish to remain anonymous.

We called the police in Mansfield, and were not the first to do so. The operator could not find and Ellison in Mansfield, but they are investigating a Tom Ellison in Fort Worth. If anyone knows of his phone number or other contact information Please let them know. You can call the police at 817-473-9381 or 817-335-4222

I feel so badly for Tom - and so helpless ! I lost a really good friend in 1985, Gerry Macnamee. He too,was depressed. I don't think it has anything to do with swimming - my friend was also in his early 50's and I wonder to what extent the age plays a part in this. I hope Tom knows how many people are rooting for him and that they really care................. Bert

Many of you have been following this discussion forum regarding an athlete and his fight with depression, a terrible disease. Depression is just as real a disease process as anthing else. The only exception is that the chemical imbalances that lead to it are contained in the brain. That has made their isolation and measurement very dfficult for medical science. Because of that and the strong hereditary nature of this disease, many fight this battle daily for their entire lives. New medications and a better understanding of diet and exercise, as they impact our lives and balance, are bringing new hope to those with depression and related conditions. Now they can restore balance to their lives. Selection of medication and achieving this balance are always challenging, with constant feedback from the patient and family to the physicians. It is rarely a condition that anyone can cure themselves. Once again realize that this is a biochemical, usually inherited, disease, though some medications can upset this internal balance. You will always be correct in advising anyone who is reaching out to consult their family and physician for help. I wish Tom well in his battle with depression.

Tom What at wonderful surprise to have u back on line and still here with us. It scared me so much when I read ur last e-mail that I cried and prayed alot for u. Hopefully u are getting a lot of good counseling and they are monitoring ur medications. There is no reason to apologize for what life is handing u. U have done what is right in reaching out for answers u do not know in trying to find out what is the proper thing to do in a very sad and devastating situation. We are all thinking good thoughts for u and here for u if we can help in any way. Please do not think u are all alone with no where to go. Call a sponsor or counselor and have them come to be with u when u think u are really in trouble. This is only my 2 cents but I do care what happens to u. Be good to urself and recover that self esteem u need to get on with ur life. If ur a swimmer ur a fighter. So fight the good fight my friend and plz do not give up anymore. Reach beyond.

Again I feel ashamed, deeply embarrassed and degraded by my actions. I had everything planned until my dear friends Charlie and Kate (young neighbors upstairs) walked around the corner from the parking lot while I was sitting in my lawn chair in front of my apt here in Fort Worth, ready to end my life. Right at that moment Charlie asked me what I was doing and obviously he already knew the answer to his question. To make a sorry story short, I gave Charlie the knife (per his request) and opted for medicine. By the time it was taking effect….the police arrived with an ambulance which took me to the hospital. I was discharged yesterday evening. I am home…and frankly, do not want to travel that path again. I want to fight this darm thing, but often the pain and despair is simply awful and beats the stuffing out of me. Things are burnt in my brain that out weight my will to live. I apologize to the entire USMS community for my sorry behavior. The only comfort I have at this point is found in the fact that for the first 52 ½ years of my life…I never quit anything…especially at life. Thank you all for your prayers kindness, e-mails, support and cards. Kindest regards, Tom Ellison

Originally posted by Tom Ellison ... I want to fight this darm thing, ... ... Tom Ellison Tom, let's fight the desesperate thoughts together, you, doctors, me, and many USMS swimmers concerned about this happening. To vent and not bottle the forces of the desesperate thoughts, please post here very often, so that you are not alone to absorb them, because anyone among us experiences painful thoughts and shouldn't be alone. I will write to you at the address provided by Mark.