Ok, here it is. This takes a serious amount of courage for me to post this due to the obvious shame if feel here, but, I think it may help someone out there who is also experiencing the same type of situation..The following is an e-mail I wrote to Jim Thorton reaching out for him for guidance and help in this terrible time.
Jim:
I have not posted in two months now due to my severe depression. My wife of 25 years (whom I love dearly left me on 5 Aug.--no hope for our marriage). I attempted an honest crack at Jerry's way out that night...and one other time. So far this past two months I have spent one 12 day stint in the hospital and another week stint in the hospital attempting to deal with this very, very serious problem. To date, I have been unable to shake this thing. I see no hope for my life and frankly the pain and torment is so great that I really do not give a rat’s rear end about anything at this point. My problem is a simply one. I HATE being locked up..and all these units can do for guys like me is lock us up. Heck, I take Jerry's way any day to the padded cell stuff.
Any suggestions. Currently I am on Celexa and the pain and suffering are horrendous to say the least.
Kindest regards,
Tom Ellison
Parents
Former Member
Konw that I feel fear right now...a great deal of it...but I kow the peace to come will out weight this pain....
Good bye to all my friends in the United States Masters Swimming community. I wanted to thank you all for your prayers, kind posts, private e-mails and heart felt support these past weeks. Please know that I am truly sorry I could not beat this illness and go on with my life. In short, it won and I got out of the pool in the middle of the 1650 free, dried off and went home a beaten man. Only in this case…a minute or so after posting this, I am going to take my life in a manner that will have no chance for survival. My life will be over by the time you read my final post.
Please continue to keep this on the sight in hopes that someone out there might seek help much sooner then I did for depression or mental illness. I should have sought help years ago, but felt I could beat this on my own (the old saying that “men are men—where we keep our feelings inside and deal with our problems by ourselves”). Then I lost Kim, estranged my children, lost my dignity, corrupted my self-esteem, my self-respect, my honor, my pride, my home, and my job….which ultimately lead me to this decision to take my life. The pain and guilt were simply too great and the prospects for a normal pain free future were bleak and impossible to say the least.
I want to make a special note of thanks to some truly wonderful, decent, caring and loving people that stood by me through all of this. To Jennifer, Greg, Les and Mark in Md., thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and kindness. I feel a tremendous amount of sadness that I let you guys down along with my family, friends and fellow Masters Swimmers. I am truly sorry for this and wished it had turned out different. Know that I loved you all very, very much! In Mark from Md’s case, I never had the opportunity to even meet this fine man, yet he demonstrated a tremendous amount of love and compassion that touched me deeply…thank you Mark.
Jim Thornton, I never met you either, yet you attempted to guide me to the right path through your inspiring writing, great advice and words of wisdom. Thank you!
Again, thank you all for your prayers, posts, private e-mails, kindness and support; it helped make my last weeks a bit more bearable. Good bye and God bless you all…
Love,
Tom Ellison
Konw that I feel fear right now...a great deal of it...but I kow the peace to come will out weight this pain....
Good bye to all my friends in the United States Masters Swimming community. I wanted to thank you all for your prayers, kind posts, private e-mails and heart felt support these past weeks. Please know that I am truly sorry I could not beat this illness and go on with my life. In short, it won and I got out of the pool in the middle of the 1650 free, dried off and went home a beaten man. Only in this case…a minute or so after posting this, I am going to take my life in a manner that will have no chance for survival. My life will be over by the time you read my final post.
Please continue to keep this on the sight in hopes that someone out there might seek help much sooner then I did for depression or mental illness. I should have sought help years ago, but felt I could beat this on my own (the old saying that “men are men—where we keep our feelings inside and deal with our problems by ourselves”). Then I lost Kim, estranged my children, lost my dignity, corrupted my self-esteem, my self-respect, my honor, my pride, my home, and my job….which ultimately lead me to this decision to take my life. The pain and guilt were simply too great and the prospects for a normal pain free future were bleak and impossible to say the least.
I want to make a special note of thanks to some truly wonderful, decent, caring and loving people that stood by me through all of this. To Jennifer, Greg, Les and Mark in Md., thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and kindness. I feel a tremendous amount of sadness that I let you guys down along with my family, friends and fellow Masters Swimmers. I am truly sorry for this and wished it had turned out different. Know that I loved you all very, very much! In Mark from Md’s case, I never had the opportunity to even meet this fine man, yet he demonstrated a tremendous amount of love and compassion that touched me deeply…thank you Mark.
Jim Thornton, I never met you either, yet you attempted to guide me to the right path through your inspiring writing, great advice and words of wisdom. Thank you!
Again, thank you all for your prayers, posts, private e-mails, kindness and support; it helped make my last weeks a bit more bearable. Good bye and God bless you all…
Love,
Tom Ellison
