Kids swimming and bullying

I speak from the perspective of a parent who has experienced some of the difficulties you are experiencing. For awhile my son was experiencing a lot of bullying at school - he hasn't been diagnosed as autistic but he has very eccentric interests and was slow to learn social skills. A kid tried to give him a swirlie in the toilet, someone bit him on the bus, and another kid tried to lock him in a locker. I got VERY vocal every time and let teachers, coaches and administrators know this was not acceptable. I also talked to my son and sometimes I would say I'm going to go to school with you to give that kid a piece of my mind. He would say "please mom, don't do that!" Then we would discuss ways he could avoid drawing attention to himself and keep a lower profile. He really seemed to appreciate that! By the time he reached high school the bullying stopped completely. He is still quiet and continues to write fan fics and pursue his soldier painting and war games but he is well liked. Fight the good fight and I'm sure things will come around!

I'm sorry to hear that you're son is being bullied. Unfortunately it's part of our society, that's the reality of it. Some kids are naturally dominant and push other kids down. Even at the age of 11 or 12 I think they are still very egocentric. They don't necessarily know the impact of their actions on others. In addition, they probably don't understand other people, especially people who are "different". I think you should definitely address the coach about this issue regardless of where the incidents are happening. The coach should expect everyone on the team to respect each other. You're child shouldn't have to think as swimming as displeasurable because of the way he's treated. I suggest starting off lightly asking the coach to talk to the team members about respecting other people.

Any teacher or coach worth anything would address this immediately. Maybe not so much in a confrontational way with the other child, but perhaps use it as a valuable learning experience. Being a coach for kids age 5 - 18, as well as teaching special education for the past 11 years, this is something I have encountered several times. Most of the time a kids insecurities or lack of knowledge of disabilities can result in aggressive/bullying type behavior. I would ask the teacher or perhaps even the coach if you could meet with kids and families of the other students, and rather than point fingers and make accusations of others bullying, maybe use this as an opportunity to educate them on asperger's and how pervasive developmental disabilities affect kids ability to interact effectively in social situations, and the best way for them to learn is by experiencing positive social interactions. I have found that this approach with students has helped tremendously, and some of the problem students once they have developed an understanding of disabilities often become more helpful than harmful to kids with disabilities. Some of my former bully type kids, have actually ended up making the best peer tutors for my students with more significant disabilities. This is something to be proactive about, and just accepting that this is part of life is not acceptable. By doing this you are modeling appropriate advocacy techniques, and self-advocacy is one of the most crucial skills children with pervasive developmental disabilities need to develop.

One method I think would be helpful (assuming the coach is willing...and a good one would be) it to get an older and well respected teen on the team to act as a mentor/friend. Hopefully their would be a 16 or 17 y/o on the team willing and able to take you son under his wing; I know I had and was in this roll on my swim team. Ideally this will raise your sons confidence, and it doesn't ever have to look like someone "tattled" to an adult. The bully will think twice when they realize that your son is friends with the "cool older kids".

I am addressing this to Stillwater and Karuky. Karuky, I also was worried my son would do something to himself. I think it is what people perceive as "weaknesses" that gets people picking on them. Teaching him to deflect that attention is what's worked best for us. Try to make it a game for your son to hide certain weaknesses from people outside the family and to talk with you when he is upset. (I actually talked to my son about talking to himself and explained that to most people this is odd and that he should only do it at home). That is what really helped my son. It didn't hurt that whenever someone said something derogatory about him to his sister (who is super outgoing and popular at school, but pretty tough, too), she would tell them if they ever said another bad word about him she would pound them to a pulp! Stillwater, I think karate is great. My son has been practicing for several years and it really has boosted his confidence, coordination and self-reliance. He isn't afraid of anyone anymore and doesn't hesitate to tell them to back off. Karate is a productive way to learn skills to protect yourself in case you need to stand up and defend yourself from someone who just doesn't get the message.

I asked my son why he doesn't just pound one of them. He said that he doesn't need. I would advise against this approach. Karate is an often misunderstood form of martial arts and it has proven to be one of the least practical fighting forms in real world application. Anyone who has followed mixed martial arts and watched or competed in sanctioned fighting for more than a few years will attest to this fact. If you want your child to be good at fighting, enroll him in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Muay Thai, or wrestling. Most schoolyard fighting involves kids tackling each other, rolling around, and punching...not standing and allowing point style fighting common in TKD and Karate. This goes for adults in self defense courses too. In most cases, when presented with some type of random attacker on the streets, your best bet is to run. Karate can be useful for meditation, exercise, communication skills, discipline, and other skills. But fighting is another matter entirely.

It's usually a mistake to expect the parent of a bully to be responsive to the concerns of the parent of the victim. Bringing the matter to the parents' attention is something of a necessary formality, it's true, but the matter rarely ends there. After all, if this were the sort of parent who would be shocked to learn that their child was a bully, they would not have produced a bully in the first place. In our household it was made plain that if I or my sister ever engaged in bullying, we'd be cut down in our prime and replaced with a brand-new infant who would be given our name.

I would advise against this approach. Karate is an often misunderstood form of martial arts and it has proven to be one of the least practical fighting forms in real world application. Anyone who has followed mixed martial arts and watched or competed in sanctioned fighting for more than a few years will attest to this fact. If you want your child to be good at fighting, enroll him in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Muay Thai, or wrestling. Most schoolyard fighting involves kids tackling each other, rolling around, and punching...not standing and allowing point style fighting common in TKD and Karate. This goes for adults in self defense courses too. In most cases, when presented with some type of random attacker on the streets, your best bet is to run. Karate can be useful for meditation, exercise, communication skills, discipline, and other skills. But fighting is another matter entirely. Interesting take, and I agree to a point. I did karate for a couple years in college. In my late 20's I took an interest in kick/Thai boxing and found it to be a completely different level of nastiness. While there is a lot of overlap in terms of the kicking, Thai boxing added some elements that were much more practical in a true fight. I'll give you an example. One of my favorite moves (which I never performed to completion while sparring for obvious reasons) was getting inside on my opponent, swiftly grabbing the back of the head and pulling it into my rapidly rising thigh. I Thai boxed for a few years, and some of the moves I would never dare use unless my life was in danger. One of two things would happen; A. I seriously injure or kill the person and my life as a husband and father is over. or B. I encounter someone better than me who ups the ante and kills me, lol. If I were to teach my son one move in a school fight it would be a swift kick to the back of the thigh or knee. No serious harm done, game over. That said, I think a high level black belt could do some serious damage in a fight. No only that, but as mentioned the confidence not to fight can be gained.

At age 11 my son was bullied at school. It took a while to find out why his grades were dropping and he was becomming a sullen kid. I thought it was due to growing pains. When I found out I went to the school principal. The school took immediate action and the bully was suspended for six days. When the bully returned he knew that my son "ratted him out", but the boorishness ended. My son doesn't swim on a team, he did however sign up for karate. It has helped his self confidence in a big way. He is moving up in belts and has found an activity that he likes. His Sensei is a good role model for him, and confidence abounds. He likes sparring. There still are incidents that happen at school, with one gang of kids. I asked my son why he doesn't just pound one of them. He said that he doesn't need to, for now. I think that growing up is tough, but he seems to be navigating his way quite well. He is still a very quiet kid who would rather read than watch TV. Karate has helped his confidence when dealing with life's jerks. Now if I could just get him on a swim team.

One of my favorite moves (which I never performed to completion while sparring for obvious reasons) was getting inside on my opponent, swiftly grabbing the back of the head and pulling it into my rapidly rising thigh. Yep, the "Thai Clinch" is a dangerous tactic and exciting to watch. It often breaks the opponent's nose or knocks them out when landed cleanly. Here's a former world champ practicing the Thai Clinch mixed into a session: www.youtube.com/watch. That said, I think a high level black belt could do some serious damage in a fight. No only that, but as mentioned the confidence not to fight can be gained. The most common problem is that the issuance of a black belt is completely arbitrary from school to school and style to style. Unless you know the origin and style of the black belt, it's anyone's guess as to how skilled the person truly is. And if the kid is 14 years old and a black belt...I hate to break it to the kid, but it's not legitimate in terms of fighting ability. These types of establishments that hand out belt after belt after just a few years of training are referred to as McDojos (in reference to McDonalds).