I'm wondering if I can get some advice from some of you familiar with youth swim teams and how they deal with disciplinary issues. As a backdrop, some of you may remember my previous description of my son as having Asperger's syndrome. He is 11 years old and, as you might imagine, a target of bullying and harassment in school. One of the offenders is a boy on his swim team who is 12 and much more physically mature. In school he has been cursing at my son, falsely telling one of the teachers that my son is "talking" and getting him in trouble (occurring on almost a daily basis, I have filed a complaint against the teacher), degrading him, etc. Most of this is primarily a school issue, but there was one event that I think relates to swimming and the team coaches should know about. One day, one of the trio of bullies went up to my son and asked him if he was any good. My son answered "yes" ( in reality he is OK, 35 sec 50 yard free). The kid called out to the swimmer I mentioned and said "hey, ....says he is good.". The swimmer responded "well, I got a 26 f...r, top that. You suck.". They essentially lured him into a trap, and he is innocent/socially awkward enough to fall into it.
My opinion of young swimmers in general has been very favorable. Most of them are extremely sweet and good kids, so I was very surprised to hear about this one. I am wondering if this type of behavior, particularly degrading fellow swimmers, is one that I should bring up to the head coach. While it did not occur during practice or a meet, I do believe it is relevant to the type of swimmer and person they expect on the team. I do not think any action would be taken at this point, but at the very least the coach could talk to him or even keep a mental record should it continue.
Any thoughts? I really feel that it might have more of an impact than anything the school could say or do.
Icidentally, this swimmer's best time ws 28.5, 55th out of 63 for the 11-12 year-olds at JO. I looked it up:)
I coach youth soccer which has similar problems. The key is addressing the bullying up front before the season and not after it starts. I don't tolerate it in any way and I tend to be proactive about stopping the bullying by looking for signs before it starts. If I were coaching your son, I'd like to know ahead of time. Just give him the background and let him know that there isn't a problem at practice/meets but there is at school and it could become a team problem. Kind of a "heads up" thing. It presents him with an opportunity to talk about team unity and go over types of behavior he will not tolerate. I'm willing to pull superstars out of games for behavioral issues... even if the ref doesn't see it. Hopefully your coach is also willing to go that far.
Edit: By "giving the coach background", I don't mean dumping on him your son's troubles with specific individual. Simply stating that he has Asperger's and that he has had bullying problem in school should be enough. Coaches can't see everything going on at every moment and bullies usually take advantage of that. A coach can't discipline on "he said, she said" so don't expect a lot of results just because your son says something happened.
I would approach the coach, not a web forum. Also, the fact you looked up the other kid's times and posted them here makes me a bit unclear as to your motives.
Thanks for the feedback. Aquajock, I'm not sure about you, but one of my biggest fears is that one day my son decides he has had enough and does something to himself or others that is irreparable. Although I must say to date my son hasn't been swirlied.
Interestingly enough I spoke to the kid's mother and of course she was defensive. Her son denies everything to her, and she told me that he wasn't raised that way. She said that maybe the boys should sit down and talk about the "incident". I, in turn, explained that this is not an issue of two kids working something out but rather a bullying/harassment issue. It was funny how she changed her tune when I told her my son has Asperger's syndrome, keeps to himself, and is regularly harassed. She said "I know if my son knew that he would never act that way to your son." I wanted to say "should it make any difference?"
A couple years ago I once told both my kids that if I ever heard about one of them bullying another child I would raise hell with them. Yes I teach them to be kind and compassionate, but that alone does not stop the gang mentality. It's funny, but I notice this gang mentality a lot even with parents. They have their clicks, and one will complain about or criticize a coach and everyone else chimes in and agrees. They are extremely competitive. I swear it's like being in school again. I pretty much keep to myself in the stands, I really don't feel comfortable around them or enjoy their company. Who knows, maybe I have Asperger's too.
I'm wondering if I can get some advice from some of you familiar with youth swim teams and how they deal with disciplinary issues.
A conversation with the coach is in order.
Sharing your concerns might allow him to provide the others with a greater insight as to what your son might have to go through each day to day. A team environment should foster unity as corny as that might sound. Boys will be boys, but this is clearly an opportunity for the bullies to learn some compassion for those with learning difficulties. Children with Asperger's can quite often be misunderstood.
The coach, with your permission, should speak with these boys privately and see if he can offer them a bit more understanding of their actions. Who knows, they may wind up being his biggest supporters in school where the bullying goes on unchecked.
Hope you find a nice resolve for your son.
Bullying is not limited to just a school behavior and there is an increasing lack of civility and aggressive behavior by adults too.
I guess it’s the result of the long term economic mess and many people are getting stressed out and simply mad at the world. Many psychologists also make the observation that as the world is getting more populated and more crowded, there are simply “Too many rats in the box” and aggressive behavior is becoming pandemic.
As for school bullies, it sounds like the situation is starting to get red hot and if past incidents are a picture of the future, there is definitely a potential for deadly violence–IE- Columbine, Virginia Tech, for example. School administrators cannot look the other way any more and there needs to be a serious campaign to prevent violence before someone gets fed up and brings a gun to school.
In general, the campaign must focus on the problem that bullies don’t appreciate the consequences of aggressive behavior and bullies need to use logical reasoning, common sense, and critical thinking about the real consequences (-IE- the possibility of more school shootings) of mistreating other students.
Accordingly, here are some very appropriate names for the anti-bullying campaign: “Bullies Are Dummies: They Just Can't Learn How To Stay Out Of Trouble?” or “Don’t Be Retarded -Fix Your Learning Disorder Before It Gets You Hurt”, or “Don’t Play With Fire And You Won’t Get Burned", or "You May Be Your Victim's Next Victim". :agree:
D2
An analogy occurred to me that I think can be used with anyone who doesn't take bullying seriously. I wish I thought of it when talking to the mother. If you knew that my son was giving your kid a little bit of poison or radiation every day, how long would you wait before aggressively stopping him? Would you wait 3 days? 2? Even 1? Now you understand me.
As a teacher for 41 yrs & a swim coach of 34 seasons, this should never be allowed to go any further !! I would always stop this quickly & take charge of the happening ! Talk with both of them about what is taking place !
a friend of mine is a kindergarten teacher and she uses the
"Self Manager Discipline" System
She's asks the children what are the things that good self managers do?
She builds a list of positive behaviors.
Self Manager is a privledged status the child can earn or lose each day.
She has a list on the chalk board of who the Classrooms self managers are and they get special privledges.
If a child breaks a self manager rule, they have to erase their name from the list, but they can earn it back the next day.
It's extremely effective.
A Self Manager would never bully another student or tolerate another student bullying anyone.
Effective Teaching... by Harry and Rosemary Wong January 2005
• “Self-Manager”
Criteria for receiving acknowledgement
• Satisfactory grades
• Follow school rules
• No discipline referrals
• Class work completed
• Five staff signatures (for example, teacher, teaching assistant)
• Students listed in office for all staff to review
Presentation procedure
• Monthly award assembly
Acknowledgement description
• Button
• Privileges
• In hallways without pass
• Early lunch
• Self-manager lunch table
• Early release (1-2 min. max) from class when appropriate
Dissemination
(letting others know who has received the acknowledgement)
• Honor list in classroom
• Parent notes
I'm sorry this is happening and I am hoping it is not on my team. I think a talk with the coach is in order. As you know, I practice with one of the local age group teams and I can tell you there is some smack talk but the coach is always watching so it stays with smack talk. They would never allow bullying if they saw it. They need to know it is going on so they can step in and also separate the kids to avoid it.
As for the mom, she needs to get a clue.
I'm actually dealing with this a bit at school. One kid is asking other kids to hit my son. This is in kindergarten! I have reported it to the teacher and she is separating the offender (who hits on a daily basis) from the kids as much as possible.
Good luck and it was great to see you on Sunday.
