I'm wondering if I can get some advice from some of you familiar with youth swim teams and how they deal with disciplinary issues. As a backdrop, some of you may remember my previous description of my son as having Asperger's syndrome. He is 11 years old and, as you might imagine, a target of bullying and harassment in school. One of the offenders is a boy on his swim team who is 12 and much more physically mature. In school he has been cursing at my son, falsely telling one of the teachers that my son is "talking" and getting him in trouble (occurring on almost a daily basis, I have filed a complaint against the teacher), degrading him, etc. Most of this is primarily a school issue, but there was one event that I think relates to swimming and the team coaches should know about. One day, one of the trio of bullies went up to my son and asked him if he was any good. My son answered "yes" ( in reality he is OK, 35 sec 50 yard free). The kid called out to the swimmer I mentioned and said "hey, ....says he is good.". The swimmer responded "well, I got a 26 f...r, top that. You suck.". They essentially lured him into a trap, and he is innocent/socially awkward enough to fall into it.
My opinion of young swimmers in general has been very favorable. Most of them are extremely sweet and good kids, so I was very surprised to hear about this one. I am wondering if this type of behavior, particularly degrading fellow swimmers, is one that I should bring up to the head coach. While it did not occur during practice or a meet, I do believe it is relevant to the type of swimmer and person they expect on the team. I do not think any action would be taken at this point, but at the very least the coach could talk to him or even keep a mental record should it continue.
Any thoughts? I really feel that it might have more of an impact than anything the school could say or do.
Icidentally, this swimmer's best time ws 28.5, 55th out of 63 for the 11-12 year-olds at JO. I looked it up:)
I'm sorry this is happening and I am hoping it is not on my team. I think a talk with the coach is in order. As you know, I practice with one of the local age group teams and I can tell you there is some smack talk but the coach is always watching so it stays with smack talk. They would never allow bullying if they saw it. They need to know it is going on so they can step in and also separate the kids to avoid it.
As for the mom, she needs to get a clue.
I'm actually dealing with this a bit at school. One kid is asking other kids to hit my son. This is in kindergarten! I have reported it to the teacher and she is separating the offender (who hits on a daily basis) from the kids as much as possible.
Good luck and it was great to see you on Sunday.
No, I don't think it was anyone on your team. Your team is the older kids I think. This is an age prep 2 kid (my son is in prep 1).
I'm sorry this is happening and I am hoping it is not on my team. I think a talk with the coach is in order. As you know, I practice with one of the local age group teams and I can tell you there is some smack talk but the coach is always watching so it stays with smack talk. They would never allow bullying if they saw it. They need to know it is going on so they can step in and also separate the kids to avoid it.
As for the mom, she needs to get a clue.
I'm actually dealing with this a bit at school. One kid is asking other kids to hit my son. This is in kindergarten! I have reported it to the teacher and she is separating the offender (who hits on a daily basis) from the kids as much as possible.
Good luck and it was great to see you on Sunday.
No, I don't think it was anyone on your team. Your team is the older kids I think. This is an age prep 2 kid (my son is in prep 1). It was great seeing you too, it's been a while.
Did you ask the school what the process are in terms of bullying? This reminds of the the big kid who got bullied by a much smaller kid. The bigger kid defended himself after being hit multiple times and ended up being suspended.
Did you ask the school what the process are in terms of bullying? This reminds of the the big kid who got bullied by a much smaller kid. The bigger kid defended himself after being hit multiple times and ended up being suspended.
I think you mean this kid:
YouTube - Bully Gets Powerbombed STREET FIGHTER EDITION!
I know the coaches for Age Group (one used to be my coach). Even if this is another age level group, I would hate to know it's going on with my team at all.
Well, to balance that out I have a nice story. One of the other kids who is in age prep 2 and is an even better swimmer did something that made my heart warm like I'm not sure it ever has. My wife had actually once told me that he was an incredibly sweet kid. He is also a straight A student and recently got first place in the science fair , plus is very well liked. My wife even once witnessed him saying "I love you mom" while heading towards the pool deck, and that is saying a lot for a middle school kid, lol. Anyhow, my son a couple days ago told me that this kid said to him recently "You're going to be a really good swimmer". This is an 11 year-old kid who swims like a 26.7 sec 50Y free compared to my son's 34 sec. My son's face was beaming when he said this. He also told me he considers the kid his friend. I've never met his mom, but the next time I see her I will tell her what a wonderful son she has. I'll PM you the name of this nice kid (he also has a brother you might know).
No, I don't think it was anyone on your team. Your team is the older kids I think. This is an age prep 2 kid (my son is in prep 1).
I know the coaches for Age Group (one used to be my coach). Even if this is another age level group, I would hate to know it's going on with my team at all.
Well, to balance that out I have a nice story. One of the other kids who is in age prep 2 and is an even better swimmer did something that made my heart warm like I'm not sure it ever has. My wife had actually once told me that he was an incredibly sweet kid. He is also a straight A student and recently got first place in the science fair , plus is very well liked. My wife even once witnessed him saying "I love you mom" while heading towards the pool deck, and that is saying a lot for a middle school kid, lol. Anyhow, my son a couple days ago told me that this kid said to him recently "You're going to be a really good swimmer". This is an 11 year-old kid who swims like a 26.7 sec 50Y free compared to my son's 34 sec. My son's face was beaming when he said this. He also told me he considers the kid his friend. I've never met his mom, but the next time I see her I will tell her what a wonderful son she has. I'll PM you the name of this nice kid (he also has a brother you might know).
I'm glad your son heard something positive at practice. Thank you for letting me know.
My son is 10 and has chosen to compete in sports that aren't about the team thing, I think because he is not a fan of the gang of boys mentality that sometimes surfaces in those environments. We've seen it in a major way in soccer and it really turned him off from the game. There was a particular group of boys who were super aggressive and made the game much less fun for everyone. And we're talking 8-year-olds at the time.
My guy is also not a "joiner" and is really about his own individual sense of accomplishment. Instead, we go rock climbing, where there's a crew of climbers who embrace everyone, regardless of ability, age, gender, etc. We go skiing. He plays tennis, which is generally a really nice group of kids too. Okay, it doesn't hurt that my guy is very well liked and considered "cool" by the other kids but he is also quick to come to the defense of other kids when he sees things being done that are not okay.
It's such a tricky thing because I even see it play out on the guys team that practices before us. I was at practice a few months ago and listened to a guy rank on a teammate, using adoption as the means of poking fun. "You 'real' Mom didn't want you..." Even if I weren't an adoptive mother, this would have made me nuts and so I called him on it and made it clear that certain behavior was simply unacceptable. (His coach would have done EXACTLY the same thing but had stepped away for a minute so didn't hear it.) I actually did it through a essay that I wrote to him, explaining adoption, what it meant, why his words were harmful. I sent it to his coaches, and to several others. Later, I received an apology from this kid and have seen his behavior change on deck.
As I see it, that's our job. Modeling the behavior we expect from our children, showing kindness and concern, and calling people out when their behavior is unacceptable, and of course, talking with our kids about bullying and discussing it at home.
I also think that we're responsible for listening when someone tells us our own kid has done something wrong. I know my guy is not perfect. And sometimes, he's going to screw up. I need to be able to hear that and listen to it so I can help him learn. Otherwise, I'd just end up with a big 'ol brat. It's appalling to me that the mother you discuss is not willing to hear that something is happening with her own child. I would want to know, as a mother, what was compelling my son to act that way. I would feel like there was some kind of insecurity at work that needed to be addressed. Isn't that our job as parents?
I've been on the wrong side of bullying for 40 years - first myself, then my kids. Tips:
I don't mean to demean anyone who has decried bullying in this thread but: This country luvs us its bullies. As evidence, I point to the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series of books and movies, all of which while treating bullying in an unflattering light, are comedies. (I could add more movie/TV/books, but do I really need to?)
We don't condemn the problem. We laugh at it, because we really don't want to solve it or maybe think it intractable.
Disagree? Ask yourself whether drunk driving or pederasty would be comedic subjects in books or films today. Thirty years ago, both were. (Johnny Carson made child-sex jokes. Foster Brooks' schtick was as a falling-down drunk.) We don't joke about unacceptable behavior.
Since we as a country are comfortable joking about bullying, we implicitly accept it as inevitable. That means we tolerate it. It won't be going away soon.
Maybe bullying will slowly fade in light of the recent pressure on it. Even so, it's not going to happen fast enough to help your kid.
Bullies cower before force. Encourage your child to punch the next bullying attacker, or perhaps kick him in the ba!!s. Your child might get beat up and might get suspended from school for a couple of days, but the bullies will forthwith leave him or her alone. Bullies will attack at the point of least resistance. If they think your child might fight back - however meekly - they will leave him or her alone and seek someone who won't fight. This doesn't solve the societal problem, but it does address your child's.
I wish I had followed point No. 3 above, and I wish I wish I wish I had encouraged my kids to follow it. Learn from my experience.
No parent or teacher will sanction the advice I am giving. Ignore them. Kick the s.o.b. in the ba11s.
If you ignore my advice, you will remember it and regret it for the rest of your life.
