I'm wondering if I can get some advice from some of you familiar with youth swim teams and how they deal with disciplinary issues. As a backdrop, some of you may remember my previous description of my son as having Asperger's syndrome. He is 11 years old and, as you might imagine, a target of bullying and harassment in school. One of the offenders is a boy on his swim team who is 12 and much more physically mature. In school he has been cursing at my son, falsely telling one of the teachers that my son is "talking" and getting him in trouble (occurring on almost a daily basis, I have filed a complaint against the teacher), degrading him, etc. Most of this is primarily a school issue, but there was one event that I think relates to swimming and the team coaches should know about. One day, one of the trio of bullies went up to my son and asked him if he was any good. My son answered "yes" ( in reality he is OK, 35 sec 50 yard free). The kid called out to the swimmer I mentioned and said "hey, ....says he is good.". The swimmer responded "well, I got a 26 f...r, top that. You suck.". They essentially lured him into a trap, and he is innocent/socially awkward enough to fall into it.
My opinion of young swimmers in general has been very favorable. Most of them are extremely sweet and good kids, so I was very surprised to hear about this one. I am wondering if this type of behavior, particularly degrading fellow swimmers, is one that I should bring up to the head coach. While it did not occur during practice or a meet, I do believe it is relevant to the type of swimmer and person they expect on the team. I do not think any action would be taken at this point, but at the very least the coach could talk to him or even keep a mental record should it continue.
Any thoughts? I really feel that it might have more of an impact than anything the school could say or do.
Icidentally, this swimmer's best time ws 28.5, 55th out of 63 for the 11-12 year-olds at JO. I looked it up:)
My son is 10 and has chosen to compete in sports that aren't about the team thing, I think because he is not a fan of the gang of boys mentality that sometimes surfaces in those environments. We've seen it in a major way in soccer and it really turned him off from the game. There was a particular group of boys who were super aggressive and made the game much less fun for everyone. And we're talking 8-year-olds at the time.
My guy is also not a "joiner" and is really about his own individual sense of accomplishment. Instead, we go rock climbing, where there's a crew of climbers who embrace everyone, regardless of ability, age, gender, etc. We go skiing. He plays tennis, which is generally a really nice group of kids too. Okay, it doesn't hurt that my guy is very well liked and considered "cool" by the other kids but he is also quick to come to the defense of other kids when he sees things being done that are not okay.
It's such a tricky thing because I even see it play out on the guys team that practices before us. I was at practice a few months ago and listened to a guy rank on a teammate, using adoption as the means of poking fun. "You 'real' Mom didn't want you..." Even if I weren't an adoptive mother, this would have made me nuts and so I called him on it and made it clear that certain behavior was simply unacceptable. (His coach would have done EXACTLY the same thing but had stepped away for a minute so didn't hear it.) I actually did it through a essay that I wrote to him, explaining adoption, what it meant, why his words were harmful. I sent it to his coaches, and to several others. Later, I received an apology from this kid and have seen his behavior change on deck.
As I see it, that's our job. Modeling the behavior we expect from our children, showing kindness and concern, and calling people out when their behavior is unacceptable, and of course, talking with our kids about bullying and discussing it at home.
I also think that we're responsible for listening when someone tells us our own kid has done something wrong. I know my guy is not perfect. And sometimes, he's going to screw up. I need to be able to hear that and listen to it so I can help him learn. Otherwise, I'd just end up with a big 'ol brat. It's appalling to me that the mother you discuss is not willing to hear that something is happening with her own child. I would want to know, as a mother, what was compelling my son to act that way. I would feel like there was some kind of insecurity at work that needed to be addressed. Isn't that our job as parents?
My son is 10 and has chosen to compete in sports that aren't about the team thing, I think because he is not a fan of the gang of boys mentality that sometimes surfaces in those environments. We've seen it in a major way in soccer and it really turned him off from the game. There was a particular group of boys who were super aggressive and made the game much less fun for everyone. And we're talking 8-year-olds at the time.
My guy is also not a "joiner" and is really about his own individual sense of accomplishment. Instead, we go rock climbing, where there's a crew of climbers who embrace everyone, regardless of ability, age, gender, etc. We go skiing. He plays tennis, which is generally a really nice group of kids too. Okay, it doesn't hurt that my guy is very well liked and considered "cool" by the other kids but he is also quick to come to the defense of other kids when he sees things being done that are not okay.
It's such a tricky thing because I even see it play out on the guys team that practices before us. I was at practice a few months ago and listened to a guy rank on a teammate, using adoption as the means of poking fun. "You 'real' Mom didn't want you..." Even if I weren't an adoptive mother, this would have made me nuts and so I called him on it and made it clear that certain behavior was simply unacceptable. (His coach would have done EXACTLY the same thing but had stepped away for a minute so didn't hear it.) I actually did it through a essay that I wrote to him, explaining adoption, what it meant, why his words were harmful. I sent it to his coaches, and to several others. Later, I received an apology from this kid and have seen his behavior change on deck.
As I see it, that's our job. Modeling the behavior we expect from our children, showing kindness and concern, and calling people out when their behavior is unacceptable, and of course, talking with our kids about bullying and discussing it at home.
I also think that we're responsible for listening when someone tells us our own kid has done something wrong. I know my guy is not perfect. And sometimes, he's going to screw up. I need to be able to hear that and listen to it so I can help him learn. Otherwise, I'd just end up with a big 'ol brat. It's appalling to me that the mother you discuss is not willing to hear that something is happening with her own child. I would want to know, as a mother, what was compelling my son to act that way. I would feel like there was some kind of insecurity at work that needed to be addressed. Isn't that our job as parents?
