I need some advice on how to handle a situation with my daughter. She is 12 years-old and swims year round competitively. She's very good but not elite, at least at this point. We had a situation today at a meet where she was in tears after a race. Her coach has become sort of fixated on one swimmer in their group's success (a swimmer who happens to be my daughter's closest friend). I'm sure most of you know the deal. I totally get it. The thing that bothers me about what my daughter told me, however, is that he gives this girl advice right before races but does not do the same for others. After the race he told my daughter to go cool down and then come to him to get after-race advice, but instead he went to have a 20 minute conversation with the girl's mom.
I understand that the more talented swimmers will get more attention, but I think coaches at this age should also be cognizant of giving all their swimmers some confidence and a sense that the coach takes interest in their success too. Am I off base with this? My son is a bottom tier swimmer whose coach gives him a few words of advice before races. Nobody is asking for undeserved praise or rewards, but a simple acknowledgement that the coach cares about your performance too would be nice.
+1 on Denise's advice. I can relate to what your daughter experienced, because I had a coach just like that in high school volleyball. She had her favorite players, and I wasn't one of them. Instead, I was ignored, and it didn't do much for the self-esteem.
The coach lacks empathy, and he needs to be made aware of how it affects others. When you speak with him, perhaps you can ask him to put himself in your daughter's place. How would that make him feel, especially when he was 12 years old? A little attention and positive reinforcement can go along way with a pre-teen's self-esteem. I hope he takes your advice.
Hi turaky,
This is unfortunately a very common problem. As a parent you need to kindly raise your concerns to the coach. It's possible that he/she isn't aware of how large the attention disparity has become. Coaches and swimmers journey through a season together, sometimes they both get lost in the process, but a coach who is dedicated to building a successful team will recognize their error and correct it. If the coach in question isn't the owner/head coach, the next step would be to voice your concern to the chief. We train our age group coaches to address groups of swimmers together when possible. Young coaches often try to do too much with each kid.
Good luck!
Wow, that stinks. The folks on this board are pretty great, and I'm sure they'll offer you advice, but I would think a quiet word with the coach, non-confrontational, to let him know that all the kids need attention might help. This guys sounds very unprofessional, and there's no way to fix something like that other than to encourage your daughter to hang in there, don't let the coach determine her performance, and just always give it her best without worrying about his opinion.
Daughters thing is very close to me as I have two of them (both competitive swimmers) and I'll try to provide you my humble opinion. There are couple of things that you must be aware of as a swim-parent (this is a job position actually, cause only you could be the best advisor and coach to your daughter/or son/kids):
1. Best coaches are very rare species (I mean those who have skills and pay equal (and sufficient) attention to all team members at the same time) - max 10% of the overall number of coaches.
2. Average coaches who pay sufficient and equal attention to all, but lack some key skills to educate young swimmers are about 40%.
3. Low level: However those who think they have skills, but lack proper communication with their team members are overwhelming 50% of the overall number.
You must try to find a coach from Cat. 1; or at least from Cat. 2, because with coaches from Cat. 2 you can still make a good work by helping each other, exchanging experience/news in swim techniques or strategies/advises etc.; how to motivate your daughter, to learn/discuss where she should put extra efforts/focus... and coaches from Cat. 2 are more open to gain skills and help you.
Cat. 3 - well, this would be waste of time and money. Cause you can't change one's opinion and ego about himself. If your coach hasn't learn how to communicate with kids by now, surely it will be impossible or it'll take him too much time to learn now. And I'm sure you don't want your kid to be the lab rat in such journey.
Most important points to your particular situation with pre-race advice:
- Advises right before the race in 99% of cases are useless. Cause no matter what you say right before the race to your daughter, she will swim what she has been swimming during her practices. Practice times are what you must focus on and care about.
- Post race discussions however would be more helpful.. Record on video if possible your daughter's race, so she could see what she did and analyze it with you. This way you and your swimmer shall know what to practice and how to.
- If you can afford you could try to hire a personal coach for stroke techniques (if necessary)
- As a swim parent you must learn, when and if possible, all relevant things that concern your daughter' swimming. You could learn a lot of things on this forum as well, cause I saw a lot of enthusiastic people with knowledge here and who are always willing to help with any matter starting from what to eat, wear, how to train etc. etc.
Hope above will be somehow helpful!
I would definitely say something to the coach, but I would limit my criticism to the specific incident.
"My daughter was upset when she expected you to come talk about her race and then didn't."
At meets, a coach should talk with his swimmers before & after each race.
The swimmer should walk up to the coach about 15 or 20 minutes before and immediately after each race.
The talk should be inspiring, encouraging with a few simple things to help her.
Coaches should keep conversations short sweet and to the point to be fair to the team.
He should avoid getting into long conversations during the meet while swimmers are racing or needing to talk with him before or after their races.
The coach does not need to track down each swimmer. At meets, coaches usually stay around the same spot to observe races & talk with swimmers.
Bring the situation to his attention in a simple straight forward manner and look for improvement in the future.
Here's what we observed.
Here's what we'd like to see.
We hope this is a reasonable request.
I would definitely say something to the coach, but I would limit my criticism to the specific incident.
"My daughter was upset when she expected you to come talk about her race and then didn't."
I think this is the best approach. The coach may not even realize he snubbed the OP's daughter.
One thing I know for sure is NOBODY likes to be told how to do their job.
One thing I know for sure is NOBODY likes to be told how to do their job.
Exactly! I agree with Knelson - 100%. And that is the reason why I always tell my fellow co-parents that they must define themselves their own targets and how to achieve it; unfortunately in almost 90% of cases bringing up the question doesn't resolve the issue.
Laineybug, I remember you talking about the issues with your granddaughter on another thread a while back. HOw are things going these days? Is she adjusting?
