2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

My wife is 39, going to be 40 in April (I'm 43). In spring and summer we do bike as a family and go on walks a couple days a week. Although my wife made the decision to be a stay at home mom I think it adds to the self-esteem issues. That's another dangerous topic to broach; you have to walk a fine line between appreciating what she does and recognizing what she could have done had she wanted, lol. Maybe I should do yoga with her. She does do some group classes but pretty sporadically. Chris, my wife could out lose weight me any day of the week. She would just chuckle if I talked about how easily I lose weight. Now if I stared at my muscles in the mirror and said "you know how many women want this...", that might get her blood boiling, lol.

My wife is 39, going to be 40 in April (I'm 43). In spring and summer we do bike as a family and go on walks a couple days a week. Although my wife made the decision to be a stay at home mom I think it adds to the self-esteem issues. That's another dangerous topic to broach; you have to walk a fine line between appreciating what she does and recognizing what she could have done had she wanted, lol. Maybe I should do yoga with her. She does do some group classes but pretty sporadically. Chris, my wife could out lose weight me any day of the week. She would just chuckle if I talked about how easily I lose weight. Now if I stared at my muscles in the mirror and said "you know how many women want this...", that might get her blood boiling, lol. Tell her to call me. She and I can go for walks once the weather warms up a bit. A few of us are going to start walking from our kids' school. The more the merrier. I'd love to meet her one day. Maybe we can meet up at the Freedom Ctr for a class. As for the muscles in the mirror :bolt: hee-hee

As the subject of this hatchet job of an article, I will just counsel people not to believe every word they read. That being said, it has come to my attention that I have become the catalyst (or rather lightning rod) for a wide dialogue about life choices and goals and working through relationships. Mankind is quick to judge and slow to forgive. G-d is slow to judge and quick to forgive. I have my utter faith in and fear of G-d. This is my edge, my drive, and the One to whom I answer. I am gifted to have a G-d-fearing family as well, and we are navigating our course as a family. I have been a competitive athlete for about 30 years now, and those who know me know I am not a gifted athlete, but one who loves training, sport, competition, expanding my boundaries through endurance challenges and the Channels and mountains I navigate with other kindred souls. Everyone must find his or her way. I was truthful in that I believe some of this is quite selfish. However, the reflection and prayer I undertake while on day-long swims, bike rides and Ironman races empower me to be a better, more patient and compassionate human. With love,

Well, I'm definitely in the category of having a wife who is tolerant but feels worse about herself the more I commit to exercise. I can feel it, I can see it in her eyes. My wife has never been, nor do I think she will ever be into regular exercise. She enjoys yoga once or twice a week and might go on the treadmill once a week for 10 minutes. She is petite naturally and pretty (5'3 105) but not especially strong or toned. She tires easily with exercise, just doesn't seem to have the motivation (and she has regular checkups, no medical reasons for this). She's also a terrible sleeper. She is an educated stay at home mom. Anyone recognize this profile? I am perfectly happy with her and love her as she is, yet the more in shape I get the less secure she becomes. I am not getting in shape for other women, but I am happy seeing myself fit and I'm really aiming to swim in a master's national meet some day. I exercise maybe 1.5-2 hours a day, usually early in the morning either before or as they are waking up, then go to work (often a 12 hour shift). I purposefully avoid talking about my workouts or my goals with her because she doesn't seem interested or happy when I bring the topic up. At times she has flat out said that the topic makes her feel worse about herself. If I try to encourage her to swim or get involved in something I worry it might come across as not being happy with her as she is. I admit it would be nice if she shared this interest and we could swim together or talk about our workouts (like some of you). But you can't have everything. I recognise some similarities with my husband's situation. Pre-kids I would swim 4 times per week and would get the "swimming is taking over your life" attitude. He obviously hadn't met some of my team-mates, nor was he interested in meeting them :). However I was working full time and we ended up having our separate social lives as well as our together social lives, so it wasn't like he didn't get out. Now, I'm the educated stay at home mom that cherishes my 2 days when both kids are in school and I can get to the pool. He has a very demanding job and if he wanted to get in some regular exercise I'm not sure I'd see much of him at all. I do sometimes wonder if he feels bad about not exercising or worries about his weight. I certainly worry about his weight, but know better to tell him he's a fat lazy oaf, as really he's not (overweight yes, but lazy-not really), he's just not particularly disciplined in that area. I actually agree with him that swimming is a very boring spectator sport and I don't expect him to attend meets, but I do need him to look after the girls if I go to one, which then means that he is doing my job so I can swim. I do sometimes feel bad about that, but then again I make myself available 24/7 to look after the kids due to his long hours. I rarely if ever say if I've had a good workout, cos he really doesn't care, and I don't need his approval. It does sound like your wife needs something that is "hers" to kind of balance out your swimming time. It doesn't necessarily need to be exercise, particularly as she already has that "rockin' bod". Swimming is my escape, other people I know go to a weekly knitting circle. :blah::blah::blah::blah: Another long post which has some point to it somewhere, honestly.....but I can empathise with both of you.

Although my wife made the decision to be a stay at home mom I think it adds to the self-esteem issues. That's another dangerous topic to broach; you have to walk a fine line between appreciating what she does and recognizing what she could have done had she wanted, lol. Oh yes - I must admit, I go through ups & downs about it myself. I worked for a while after my 1st was born, but decided that my incremental salary after childcare just wasn't worth the stress and feeling that I wasn't being a good mom or a good department manager. I guess moving here changed things in that I have no work permit, so until I do I can't get a job anyway! Right now I take the attitude that my job is to look after the kids, be their taxi service, cook, clean (when I have to! I sometimes think I would go back to work solely to justify a housekeeper!),do laundry, pay bills, run errands etc. His job is to go out and make the money so we can have a nice house, nice cars and afford all the stuff we have. It sounds pretty anti-feminist and all that, but I for one would rather be able to stay home with our 3 yo and pick our 7yo up from school everyday than be a stressed out partner in an accountancy firm, living on fast food and seeing my kids for a couple of hours in the evening. A lot depends on your outlook, appreciate everything she does, and respect her intelligence and education. My husband still sometimes asks me for input on problems he has at work! Didn't this start out as a workout thread? :bolt:

A lot depends on your outlook, appreciate everything she does, and respect her intelligence and education. That's the key right there. Until you've stayed at home with small children 24/7, 365 days a year, you'll never know just how difficult a job it can be. Respect goes a long way. taruky--have you ever given your wife a weekend (or longer) where she could get away from all of you? It's a win/win--she gets time off and you gain a whole new appreciation for her situation. She may just need a break!

That's the key right there. Until you've stayed at home with small children 24/7, 365 days a year, you'll never know just how difficult a job it can be. Respect goes a long way. taruky--have you ever given your wife a weekend (or longer) where she could get away from all of you? It's a win/win--she gets time off and you gain a whole new appreciation for her situation. She may just need a break! Actually this April for her 40th birthday she is going to this fancy spa in Williamsburg. I will take the kids to Busch Gardens and other touring while she stays back at the fancy hotel (whose price made me sweat while making the reservations) and gets 2 full days of pampering. Does that count? LOL. I think to make my wife really appreciate my newfound love of swimming, I should bring her to a meet like that in the "too much skin" thread.

When I started dating my current gf, she knew up front that I swim for fun and fitness. She understands that I like to swim 5-6 days a week. I need the fix from swimming to make me somewhat sane. Lucky for me, she is very supportive.

Actually this April for her 40th birthday she is going to this fancy spa in Williamsburg. I will take the kids to Busch Gardens and other touring while she stays back at the fancy hotel (whose price made me sweat while making the reservations) and gets 2 full days of pampering. Does that count? LOL. :applaud: You should definitely get some points for this! Though I do think that mom going away completely (as in full days and nights away--getting to sleep in and just plain not having to think about anyone else for a few days) is necessary as well. And, that way, dad gets to see what it's like to work as a full-time parent (with every waking and sleeping moment on-call). My husband was always very supportive and respectful of my staying at home with my kids. But, I left him to parent while I coached at a swim meet on a three-day weekend after we had our first baby. He called me on the second day of the meet and told me he had a whole new level of respect for what I had to do every day. And that was with just one kid! It was a great experience for both of us.

Actually this April for her 40th birthday she is going to this fancy spa in Williamsburg. I will take the kids to Busch Gardens and other touring while she stays back at the fancy hotel (whose price made me sweat while making the reservations) and gets 2 full days of pampering. Does that count? LOL. I think to make my wife really appreciate my newfound love of swimming, I should bring her to a meet like that in the "too much skin" thread. Oh, can I join her?