2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

I am also mildly surprised that most seem to have always supportive amazing spouses. Endurance sports are time consuming. Thus, far only the smilie That Guy has fessed up to any issues (and I admitted to periodic annoyance.) But, then, perhaps people do not want to discuss sleeping arrangements and such. Okay, I'll bite. I am married to a former college swimmer and we met thru masters swimming, so if anyone is going to be understanding/supportive, she is. Which doesn't mean there are no issues, ever. Complaints are generally not about parenting (those disagreements are almost always about philosophical differences, not about how much time we are spending on it), but the ones I hear most often are: -- I swim in the mornings which means that I am gone by the time my wife wakes up. I try to swim 5-6 times per week. Sometimes she misses waking up together. Most often I'll hear this if I want to swim on a weekend morning (something I always clear with her beforehand) after having swum every day during the week. In fact, I'd say that if I *have* swum M-F (doesn't always happen) then she'll ask that I not swim Sat AM. Which is absolutely reasonable, of course, and I'll accept that without complaint (and maybe try to squeeze in a mid-day workout if possible). -- I go absolutely batty if I have to go more than 1-2 days without working out (yes, I recognize that I am an endorphin addict. There are worse things). This can sometimes make vacation planning a little stressful, especially if we are in the middle of nowhere (eg, a camping trip). We have learned to negotiate things prior to a vacation: some will involve no trips to the gym, some will involve bike rides or OW swimming, other times we will try to find a pool or even a masters team. Now that our son is old enough to be alone for an hour or two, things are a little easier b/c we can work out together. And sometimes we take vacation a little before a major meet (ie during taper time): I don't object to that as long as she doesn't object to me needing to find a pool or other body of water on an almost-daily basis, in an unobtrusive manner as possible. I'd say those are the two most stressful and recurring training-related points, though others come up off and on. And I'd probably say that my exercise (and hers) has far less effect on our child-rearing than it does on own relationship. But since we've been married for more than 18 years, I guess it has been working out so far. Mostly my advice would be: clear everything ahead of time, but don't assume that consent always means the other person is happy about it. It needs to be clear that family comes before exercise. On the other hand, for many of us I would assume that regular exercise is associated with happiness too (not to mention health) and in a good relationship I would think that would carry some weight too, as long as it isn't carried to unreasonable extremes. What is "unreasonable" will unfortunately differ from person to person... I also think that husbands need to be sensitive to the fact that exercise (or lack thereof) can be an especially touchy subject with wives. WE aren't the ones who get pregnant and have to lose the extra pounds; WE generally don't suffer "mommy guilt" as acutely; and I think that we don't have as big a problem with it when we are carrying around a few extra pounds (I realize I may be generalizing outrageously).

...but don't assume that consent always means the other person is happy about it. The outward appearance of consent is sufficient for me to assume happiness.

With me and my wife both working full time and raising two kids (oldest one now 7) I feel like I spend half my life trying to figure out how to get to the pool 3 or 4 times a week. I usually cheat on my job before my wife.

I still submit "managing it just fine" is different than being a good parent when you work 40-60 hours/week and train another 20...not that I would know anything about being a good parent. I agree, training with a spouse has theoretical benefits (unless you are married to mine...she was once temporarily DQ'd from the largest local triathlon because her bike split was faster than the winning pro male...one race official was quoted as saying, "no way a girl went that fast")...my fragile ego and my weak body can't take the beating. BTW I kinda miss geek insulting me. I wouldn't count on it to last! Agree with the first sentence. While I'm not a fan of obsessive helicopter parenting, being absent for substantial periods of time for training, especially while the kids are young, is not much better. "Quality time" is a bit of a rationalization IMO. I sometimes wish Mr. Fort and I did the same sports, though we have done tri relays together. On the other hand, if we did this, who would tend/have tended the kids? Apparently, the person featured in the article is a friend of Chaos. It will be interesting to see what he has to say after his ban is over. I am also mildly surprised that most seem to have always supportive amazing spouses. Endurance sports are time consuming. Thus, far only the smilie That Guy :banana: has fessed up to any issues (and I admitted to periodic annoyance.) But, then, perhaps people do not want to discuss sleeping arrangements and such.

I wouldn't count on it to last! Agree with the first sentence. While I'm not a fan of obsessive helicopter parenting, being absent for substantial periods of time for training, especially while the kids are young, is not much better. "Quality time" is a bit of a rationalization IMO. I sometimes wish Mr. Fort and I did the same sports, though we have done tri relays together. On the other hand, if we did this, who would tend/have tended the kids? Apparently, the person featured in the article is a friend of Chaos. It will be interesting to see what he has to say after his ban is over. I am also mildly surprised that most seem to have always supportive amazing spouses. Endurance sports are time consuming. Thus, far only the smilie That Guy :banana: has fessed up to any issues (and I admitted to periodic annoyance.) But, then, perhaps people do not want to discuss sleeping arrangements and such. Although I've quit triathlons, it's not like my routine changed wildly as a result. No long bike ride on Saturday, no long run on Sunday, less running on weekdays. I still exercise every day and I still bike for transportation. Overall it amounts to about 10-20% less time exercising. The big difference is that I'm not exhausted all the time. That's the win right there. Gull and Chaos got bant? I guess I missed the fireworks. :badday:

Although I've quit triathlons, it's not like my routine changed wildly as a result. No long bike ride on Saturday, no long run on Sunday, less running on weekdays. I still exercise every day and I still bike for transportation. Overall it amounts to about 10-20% less time exercising. The big difference is that I'm not exhausted all the time. That's the win right there. Gull and Chaos got bant? I guess I missed the fireworks. :badday: Well, being exhausted all the time is a problem for other family members! I've heard people complain about "spousal uselessness." They (and Wookiee) got banned on the Welsford thread for off-topic posts about religion and such.

Well, I'm definitely in the category of having a wife who is tolerant but feels worse about herself the more I commit to exercise. I can feel it, I can see it in her eyes. My wife has never been, nor do I think she will ever be into regular exercise. She enjoys yoga once or twice a week and might go on the treadmill once a week for 10 minutes. She is petite naturally and pretty (5'3 105) but not especially strong or toned. She tires easily with exercise, just doesn't seem to have the motivation (and she has regular checkups, no medical reasons for this). She's also a terrible sleeper. She is an educated stay at home mom. Anyone recognize this profile? I am perfectly happy with her and love her as she is, yet the more in shape I get the less secure she becomes. I am not getting in shape for other women, but I am happy seeing myself fit and I'm really aiming to swim in a master's national meet some day. I exercise maybe 1.5-2 hours a day, usually early in the morning either before or as they are waking up, then go to work (often a 12 hour shift). I purposefully avoid talking about my workouts or my goals with her because she doesn't seem interested or happy when I bring the topic up. At times she has flat out said that the topic makes her feel worse about herself. If I try to encourage her to swim or get involved in something I worry it might come across as not being happy with her as she is. I admit it would be nice if she shared this interest and we could swim together or talk about our workouts (like some of you). But you can't have everything.

Well, I'm definitely in the category of having a wife who is tolerant but feels worse about herself the more I commit to exercise. I can feel it, I can see it in her eyes. My wife has never been, nor do I think she will ever be into regular exercise. She enjoys yoga once or twice a week and might go on the treadmill once a week for 10 minutes. She is petite naturally and pretty (5'3 105) but not especially strong or toned. She tires easily with exercise, just doesn't seem to have the motivation (and she has regular checkups, no medical reasons for this). She's also a terrible sleeper. She is an educated stay at home mom. Anyone recognize this profile? I am perfectly happy with her and love her as she is, yet the more in shape I get the less secure she becomes. I am not getting in shape for other women, but I am happy seeing myself fit and I'm really aiming to swim in a master's national meet some day. I exercise maybe 1.5-2 hours a day, usually early in the morning either before or as they are waking up, then go to work (often a 12 hour shift). I purposefully avoid talking about my workouts or my goals with her because she doesn't seem interested or happy when I bring the topic up. At times she has flat out said that the topic makes her feel worse about herself. If I try to encourage her to swim or get involved in something I worry it might come across as not being happy with her as she is. I admit it would be nice if she shared this interest and we could swim together or talk about our workouts (like some of you). But you can't have everything. Is there some exercise that she might like that you could do together? Maybe go for family walks on the weekends or evenings? (We always went for family walks when I was a kid. It set me up for a lifetime of good habits. Thanks, Mom and Dad). Maybe that would make her feel better about herself and your workouts? Just a thought.

Well, I'm definitely in the category of having a wife who is tolerant but feels worse about herself the more I commit to exercise. I can feel it, I can see it in her eyes. My wife has never been, nor do I think she will ever be into regular exercise. She enjoys yoga once or twice a week and might go on the treadmill once a week for 10 minutes. She is petite naturally and pretty (5'3 105) but not especially strong or toned. She tires easily with exercise, just doesn't seem to have the motivation (and she has regular checkups, no medical reasons for this). She's also a terrible sleeper. She is an educated stay at home mom. Anyone recognize this profile? Tell her often that she has a rockin' bod. How old is she? That might effect sleep. Or have her explore other causes of the sleep problem. Sleep debt can definitely kill anyone's motivation to exercise. Would she be interested in a workout group? My gym has body pump classes and the like. Many people need a buddy or class to prompt them to exercise.

I purposefully avoid talking about my workouts or my goals with her because she doesn't seem interested or happy when I bring the topic up. At times she has flat out said that the topic makes her feel worse about herself. Change the subject: mention how easily you can lose weight, too. She'll get a plenty good workout smacking you around for an hour or two. :bolt: (Sorry, I know you were being serious. I think Fortress and philoswimmer gave great advice.)