My 15 Seconds of Fame

Congratulations on excellent screen performances by both Leonard and Doug. Chekhov supposedly declared once that if you have a gun at the beginning of a play or story, the author has an obligation for that gun to go off by the end of the drama. It is for this reason that i was REALLY looking forward to seeing Leonard being sucked into the drain, only to be saved by the muscular lifeguard whose frequent appearances seemed to me to foreshadow his almost certain role as hero. But no. Leonard simply paddles gracefully and ever so safely back and forth, back and forth, almost as if in mockery of the pool suction law! I say we should combine both videos and see if we can get Jason Lezak to agree to be sucked violently down the drain, only to somehow manage to summon enough power and fortitude to emerge in tact at the very end!

Congrats on the TV time....next stop...Phelpsian stardom! :D

I understand, Leonard. Really, who wants to have their 15 seconds of fame summed up by the phrase, "Leonard sucked!" Technically, it would have been "Leonard was sucked!" but you know how the media likes to shorten and distort things and avoid passive verbs when active ones are available.

Chekhov supposedly declared once that if you have a gun at the beginning of a play or story, the author has an obligation for that gun to go off by the end of the drama. It is for this reason that i was REALLY looking forward to seeing Leonard being sucked into the drain, only to be saved by the muscular lifeguard whose frequent appearances seemed to me to foreshadow his almost certain role as hero. But no. Leonard simply paddles gracefully and ever so safely back and forth, back and forth, almost as if in mockery of the pool suction law! I admit that I am ashamed that I didn't pretend to be sucked down the drain given the amount of chaos (and a much more "interesting" news report) that it would have caused. It was a very close battle between Jedi Leonard and Darth Leonard. The tie-breaker was that Jeff, the guy who was being interviewed and the head of the YMCA, is an absurdly decent and earnest human being and probably would have stroked-out from embarassment had I done so. If one of the attractive female lifeguards had been on hand to rescue and revive me, Darth Leonard could have easily triumphed, however. I will forever carry this lapse of bad behavior with regret. -LBJ

I defer to Leonard on this subject. Though I have spent a lot of time ruminating on the theoretical aspects of suckage salvation by comely female lifeguards, I have absolutely no firsthand experience in this realm. I would suggest, however, Mr. Srcoyote, that if your picture is not significantly enhanced, mutton chops of the sort you are sporting should attract all kinds of distaff interest in helping you with in extremis suction issues. What say ye, girls of masters swimming?

If one of the attractive female lifeguards had been on hand to rescue and revive me, Darth Leonard could have easily triumphed, however. And this is why I should continue to read this board. This is a possibility that had never occurred to me. I need to try this ruse, but I must first ask: as the drains at my Y pool are flat and circular and therefore legal, will the attractive lifeguard save me if I get sucked into one of them?

And this is why I should continue to read this board. This is a possibility that had never occurred to me. I need to try this ruse, but I must first ask: as the drains at my Y pool are flat and circular and therefore legal, will the attractive lifeguard save me if I get sucked into one of them? If you truly aspire to social leprosy, keep reading this board because people such as myself and Jim Thornton and a few others can act as expert guides. We can also probably recommend some good bail-bondsmen as well. As to your question: Probably the first time or two, said comely lifeguard will definately come to your aid. If she has half a brain or more, on about the third time she'll let you drown. Also remember that word spreads quickly among the lifeguards, so be sure to try this with your favorite lifeguard FIRST. -LBJ

"Suckage salvation" does indeed pull the load of at least 1000 haphazardly constructed words. And in fact this alliterative pair is so brilliantly effective in capturing the picture that I must now fully disclose that I only hypothetically posit carrying out what we shall now call the Jansen Manouver. Actually drowning in the presence of an uninterested (if hot) lifeguard is but an insignificant risk compared to the potential harms I may experience were my wife to discover any attempts by my person to put the Jansen Manouver into machination. The muttonchops are becoming an annual tradition following my winter growth yet prior to my return to clean-shaven state.

What part of "suckage salvation" do you not understand?

I defer to Leonard on this subject. Though I have spent a lot of time ruminating on the theoretical aspects of suckage salvation by comely female lifeguards, I have absolutely no firsthand experience in this realm. I would suggest, however, Mr. Srcoyote, that if your picture is not significantly enhanced, mutton chops of the sort you are sporting should attract all kinds of distaff interest in helping you with in extremis suction issues. What say ye, girls of masters swimming? Hmmm. Say, Jim, you're not one of the effete intellectual snobs are you? I know these are all real words, but I'm wondering if you entered a contest to see how to use them all in one posting?