Funniest Swimming Stories

That's pretty funny guvnah. Any botched flip turns? :D

Not a Masters story, but it was funny. I was teaching swimming lessons at a pool that would put in tables for the young kids to stand on because the shallowest part of the pool was four feet deep. Anyway, the tables had square openings in the middle of them and these openings were covered with a lid. One of the instructors decided to see if he could fit through the opening and swim out the other side. He did this during a break between lessons, but he got stuck around his shoulders. We all thought is was goofing around and didn't go help him. It was pretty funny to see his hairy legs swinging around as he frantically tried to unstick himself. We realized he was in trouble when he stopped moving, but is took all four of us to flip him and the table upside down for him to breathe. He is ok, although I don't think he will ever do anything like that again. I will never get the image of his legs flailing around with his head under the table. It was really funny! Good breath control excerise.

This was posted about a year ago in the thread "Humor in swimming" by Emmett Hines. I laughed so hard I cried: This happened back in the '80s while I was still managing athletic and recreation facilities at the University of Houston. One day one of my lifeguards called me to indicate he was having a problem with a stubborn lady smoking a cigarette in the indoor pool area - his manager wasn't around and he wanted to know what to do. I went over to the pool to investigate. 50ish, stylishly dressed and impeccably coifed, this woman was sitting on the bleachers beside the pool just fuming away. I went down there and politely informed her that smoking was prohibited anywhere within the athletic complex, pointing out the big "Swimmers at Work - Positively No Smoking" sign. I indicated that she would have to take it outside. While there were a couple divers at the far end of the natorium stretching, swim workout wasn't due for another 30 minutes and there were no swimmers actually in the pool at the time. She indicated as much, saying that I had no right to tell her when or where she could smoke - not only was she not going to take it outside, she was going to sit there and smoke it down to the filter, then light up another one while she waited for her friend to meet her. Somewhat taken aback, I indicated that if she refused to leave or put out the cigarette I would have to call Campus Police. "Do what you have to do, young man," she said, punctuating it with another drag on on her cigarette. I shrugged my shoulders, turned and headed across the deck toward the hotline phone. All of a sudden, something stirred within me, presenting me with a flash of inspiration that put an impish smile on my face. I stopped mid-deck, put my hands in my pockets and slowly turned to saunter back across the deck, biding my time as my newly inspired response to her afront gathered coherence and force. I could see, through her noxious cloud, the puzzled look on her face as I approached. She looked even more surprised when I sat down right beside her and then scooted even closer. I said "You know, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Feel free to stay here as long as you like." With that, I leaned away from her, lifting one cheek in her direction and proceeded to rip off the longest, most impressive gaseous expression you could imagine - a real window rattler. With jaw dropped and eyelids peeled back she lept off the bleacher and before the reverberations ceased she was scurrying out the door, trailing wisps of smoke all the way. From the other end of the pool I heard clapping, laughing and hoots from the divers. It just goes to show - you never know when a big evening meal of pintos, onions and cheese will come in handy. Over the years there have been numerous situations where I would have loved to again been able to conjure up such an offering for a smoker inflicting his/her habit on others in inappropriate places. But it was too perfect to ever be granted me again. It was unprofessional, I know - adolescent even. But I never saw that lady in the facility again. There is one thing I'd change, though, if I had it to do over again - I think I'd ask her to pull my finger. __________________ Emmett Hines emmett@usms.org http://H2OustonSwims.org

this happened to me last summer... My daughter (age 13) and I were coming back from a 3 day out of town soccer tournament (hers). Our car's air conditioning packed it in on the congested freeway, and of course it was a bazillion degrees hot. We decide to stop in Vancouver, BC (we live a ferry ride and an hour's drive from there...) and swim at the outdoor longcourse pool at the university. She goes off to the dive towers, and of course I head to the length lanes. There are 4 lanes open for lengths, with one lanemarker dividing "slow" from "fast" swimmers. I'm in the fastest lane, and feeling pretty proud of myself as my hometown only has a piddly little 20 metre pool. There's only one swimmer who's faster than me. Suddenly, as I complete a 200, the lifeguard taps my shoulder and tells me (politely) to move over a couple lanes - to the SLOW side! Now I'm miffed (and really, I'm not a speed snob, or all that fast) as I KNOW I'm one of the fastest, and am not interfering with the faster swimmer. I mean, I know lane etiquette! So off I go to the slow lane, along with the faster swimmer. He's piqued, too. I swim a couple lengths, my face red with indignation. People are in my way, so I slow down and figure I'll do some long slow distance. I finish a 500 and look over to the fast lanes. And who is using them?... The Canadian men's team... No longer was I indignant! the lifeguard was right. I no longer qualified for those lanes!

Another story about my daughter which might not be so funny. My daughter had a meet on Saturday. She was waiting for her event on the other side of the pool. I suddenly saw some of her teammates take her into the locker room. A parent next to me made the comment that she thought someone just threw up. I jokenly said I hope it wasn't my daughter (this was knowing she was just fine minutes before). Suddenly a swimmer comes up to me a says that my daughter had throw up all over her. I went running to the locker room thinking she was sick. Some of her teammates had her in the shower. It was then that I found out another swimmer threw up all over her. We quickly got soap and washed her down real good. She took it pretty well and even swam her best 25 fly.

Awwwww!!!! That's SICK!!! That reminds me of my swim on Saturday, only I wasn't puked on. I had gotten the 12 hour stomach flu and it happened in the shower area right AFTER our workout! Luckily, I aimed at the floor and not at one of my teammates. :Ewww!: :lol: *Phew* Glad it didn't happen in the pool during our workout! ...Feeling better though, so looking back on Saturday's misery seems funny now.

This happened when I was at the pool today: We were doing several timed drills (Long Course!) where one group will start a 50 and the second group will start after the first group did their 50. Once, we were swimming with fins on and it was my group's turn to do our 50. I was swimming so fast, in tune to my rotary breathing that I didn't see one of my teammates swimming toward me, as it was the other group's turn to start their 50 and we almost collided with each other! If it weren't for my swift, hard right turn, we would've been hurt. Close shave too! Second time, (same drill) we were swimming w. out fins and there were two lovely ladies sharing my lane, making three to a lane. I miscalculated and thought it was my group's turn to swim, so I swam with all my might, unable to hear the coach or several others telling me to stop. As I swam, one of my teammates in my lane goes after me, catches up to me, GRABS my ankle, giving me the idea that I wasn't swimming fast enough, so I sprinted to the end. I didn't find out until AFTER I did my 50 that It wasn't our group's turn! I was so embarrassed that I started laughing at the situation for a good (well it felt like) five minutes. Talk about embarrassing! At least I can safely laugh at a situation like that when I'm around my team.

Before I start on my story, let me just say that I'm a 38 year old man and I am not yet in that great of shape. Also, I have to give everyone in my story credit for showing up to the pool and doing the best they can. I'm a bit neurotic, and it's best if we just leave it at that. :) For a few months now I've been swimming and the local community pool. After 20 years of not wearing a bathing suit in public I was a little ashamed to get undressed in front of strangers. So, I dropped my towel and quickly got into my boxer bathing suit, avoiding the wet white spots on the floor. In the dressing room with me were a few men which were 20, or so, years older than me. Though I expect that they didn't try to catch a peek - I wasn't going to risk it. A few weeks went by and I gave in and bought myself a Speedo. The changing was beginning to get more comfortable. The upgraded discomfort brought me back up to the original levels. Then, while changing I noticed the white goo on the floor. I avoid touching my new suit to the floor and changed, still quickly, but certainly avoiding eye contact with anyone. I shower with my suit on. If someone were to ask me I'd tell them that I need to rinse the chlorine off, anyway. Why not do two things at once? But, the truth is - I really just don't want to be hanging out in a shower - naked. A very naked elderly man stood in front of the mirror as he shaved. He begins to talk to me, "You seem to swim pretty fast". He turned from his profile, "I've been kept the same six stokes a length since collage. We should swim together sometime." "Uh, really... Yeah, that'll be cool." I pull my pants on as we continue to have a conversation about his college swimming days. I manage to keep a towel which hung on the rack between me and him at all times as he shaved. At the end of the conversation I politely said, "See ya' later" and headed home. Over the next few weeks more older men talked to me while naked. I guess you get to a certain age and you just don't care anymore. Avoiding another spot of wet white goo on the floor - I get dressed as quickly as I could. The high school swim team swims at the pool right after I get out of the water. Luckily, they're worse than me when it comes to dressing. Most of them dress with their towels around their waists. I take a little solace that I'm at least less bashful than high school kids. Then, a few weeks ago I get out of the pool and head into the locker room into a roomful men at various stages of dressing. As I pass one of them he takes a full handful of talcum powder and slaps the entire lot onto his crotch. Well, some of it got onto his crotch. Powder flies everywhere! Me, I'm covered in his crotch dust. I look down and glop of white powder is melting into a white gooey puddle of water below him. The next day, having my nerves rattled. I'm completely and mentally in my own space. I get changed, take a quick shower with my suit on, talk to NO naked men, and walk briskly to the pool. Now... at this pool is a hallway that turns from the men's dressing room toward the women's dressing room, who have the same opposing hallway. This way you can see down the length of the hallway, but not actually see into the other's changing room. I turn out of the men's dressing room, checking that my bathing suit is tied. I have this fear that I'll someday forget to put it on, or at the very least, it will fall off during a flip turn. I round the first corner and then final corner to the pool. As I enter the pool area it hits me... Maybe my brain couldn't handle it or it was simply too much information, or I had retreated so far into my own subconscious that I needed at least 10 seconds to prepare for it. Because, I had just seen the largest naked woman I have seen in my life. I stopped in my tracks - this was at least 10 yards from the point that it happened. I was Wilde Coyote hanging off the edge of the cliff before he dropped. I got in the pool and swam my workout. I don't think I'll every really be the same, and can't tell you exactly what it was that did it.

Umm...I'm a female, somewhat young...and I gotta ask. That white goo on the floor you were talking about? That was wet powder from the whole crotch dusting thing right? If not..all you have to say is no (I'm not that young).

When I first saw the goo... I was thinking pretty much what you are thinking. However, it's talcum powder. As luck would have it, I got out of the pool today and snapped a picture of this: btth.com/.../bathroompowder.jpg If the floor were wet... this time it wasn't... it's be goo. :D