In an effort to change the somewhat bitter tone of recent threads, I propose a new topic that I think will give everyone a smile and reason for good natured jocularity.
Imagine a virtual pit into which your college mascot, starved and abused into a snarling rage, is slowly hoisted down to fight to the death with my college mascot.
In the first of such grudge matches, a gelded Texas longhorn, still bleeding from its evacuated sack, but relatively huge in size, and with pointy horns gleaming, is loaded onto a winch and slowly but surely cranked down into the pit where awaits...
its worst nightmare.
The fierce killing machine that is the Michigan wolverine, pound for pound the meanest and most rapacious species of rodentia the earth has ever known.
Alas, before the straps can even be removed from the pathetic cow, my wolverine has eviscerated it and made a fine snack of its entrails.
Next?
I invited you to hoist your own college mascot down into the arena where it shall quickly join the carcass of the cow.
(Guys! Isn't this fun!!!!)
I concede. The wolverine is now toast. The next mascot that descends into the pit must fight Sydney's finest women's rugby players. While not tripping over the carcass of a wolverine stuffed with Texas veal.
As referee, here is where we are at this point:
Wolverine eats Longhorn.
Rugby players kill Wolverine.
Hormonal cycle of rugby players shifts slightly, and rage gives way to self doubt and weepiness.
Bear makes quick work of weeping Aussies, but then gets sick. Apparently cannot stomach too much seafood.
Jayhawk pecks eyes out of nauseated bear, not out of mean-spiritedness but because it hungers for the salt. Blinded bear collides with pit wall, killing itself.
Tartan sheet slowly drifts down, smothering Jayhawk.
Comet lands on plaid sheet and destroys it by heat or ice crystals. Either way, the comet fills up the pit.
Unless a Wisconsin badger comes along soon to dig up a new death match arena, the erstwhile pit becomes the grave for all the college mascots who entered it, cocky bastards one and all, who ever thought that a winner might emerge from such nasty business!
I tried to rouse my Viking to participate, but as is the wont of Vikings everywhere, he appeared to be far too hung over to be of any use, no doubt resulting from a late bacchanal with the briefly victorious but now inexplicably weepy and hormonal rugby players of questionable sexuality.
Patrick,
This really gave me a full-bodied, post-prandial, digestive chuckle. For those of you who did not check out Patrick's links, the first one begins:
Question
QUESTION: If a healthy, satiated North American Badger were placed in a confined space with a healthy, satiated North American Wolverine, and a fight to the death ensued... which animal would come out alive?
ANSWER: Hi, Bill
Wolverine vs Badger: The Wolverine would win.
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Of course, in this case, the wolverine is dead already, so the only thing the Badger has to do to be the current winner is dig up the comet, and perhaps eat the remains of all those buried underneath its intergalactic bulk.
I stipulate that the Badger has, in fact, successfully done so, and I furthermore proclaim that thanks to its wondrous-wicked digging claws, the contest has not ended, in fact, not missed a beat.
Right now, a corpse-stuffed Badger named Bucky sits and digests at the bottom of a once again evacuated death match pit of mascots.
Who will enter the arena to try his odds against the snarling if offal-glutted Bucky?
Bill's drunken Viking, wondering about in a daze, feels nature's call, urinates into what appears to him to be a giant natural toilet, gets dizzy, and tumbles inside, his fall cushioned by a piss-marinaded badger, which, alas, does not fare nearly so well, its angry little skull split open by the Viking's horned hat.
Thus perches now a new and triumphant college mascot: a passed-out Viking who has little idea where he is, but if he had to hazard a guess, would probably say the bowl of a giant toilet in the woods.
Who dares to take on such an opponent?
a passed-out Viking who has little idea where he is, but if he had to hazard a guess, would probably say the bowl of a giant toilet in the woods.
As an aside, I think you just inadvertently summarized my entire college experience, which was spent doing hard time at Augustana College in Rock Island, Illinois.
Carry on.
The challengers are coming too fast to keep up with. I will try to address them in order.
The Aztecs sacrifice the drunken Viking in an East meets West Ragnarok that does not end well for the East.
The Cougar beast, in what may be its final ovulatory cycle, pounces upon the Aztecs, and proceeds to dispatch the young Aztec warriors to perdition via its voracious sexual appetite that takes and takes and takes but gives nothing in return but the horrible taste of an aging southern belle with claws.
After the train its pulled, the Cougar can barely walk. But at this point, at least, she remains the winner...
