Swimming Stereotypes

The Kid - 13 year old Age group female who missed morning workout or has a conflict with the club swimming workouts. Flirts with coach so much that the coach doesn't even acknowledge your end of the pool. Oh yeah, then she turns out 10 x 100 on 1:05. She's so happy that she flirts with the fricken coach during the rests. Kicks everyone's a$$. Does not seem to feel pain....Grrrr! The Foreigner - french or german or swede guy who speaks almost no english. Wears a real speedo (only one). Women will do anything for him. Swims incredibly fast but since he speaks no english I can never figure out where he swam. Has no weaknesses--kicking, IM, distance, sprints. The guy is a friggin beast!

The Browser Checks either top ten, individual results or current top times list on the USMS web site at least once a day. Also known as a Top Ten HO: Thinks it's better to tie for 10th place in 9 events than one number one time (actually it is only two 10th places for SCM and for the record I don't really think it's better it is more resigning myself to that fact).

There is no competition in my age group because I'm so unbelievably old: This person regularly shows up to Arizona meets (quite uninvited) and never stops talking about all the records she has broken. She immediately runs over to the scoring table after a swim and states that was "just a national record and not a world record" so that fact can be announced. She will continue to talk even if you say "I am walking away now." I hope none of you run into this one as I promise you will put a bullet in your head to stop the drone.

is this the begining of a screen play? Ms. Perfect She's 5'10" and beautiful beyond belief for her age, which is almost impossible to guess. She's intelligent, articulate, and has a great career. She's a good swimmer and superb lane mate. A critical and deep thinker with a ready smile and a kind word of support for anyone who needs it. Everything about her is effortless and balanced and yet she is unaware of her own perfection. She could wear pig poop and make it an instant fashion must-have. She's informed on any topic that you care to name, but isn't obnoxious and can talk knowledgeably about world politics or science or baseball with equal ease. She has a wry smile that hints of a younger past that was less restrained than present and that she just might show to the right person. She can get out of the pool and somehow her hair is dry and perfect. She is also genetically immune to the "raccoon-eyes" goggle syndrome. She's so perfect that even the worst horn-dogs on the team don't hit on her and, as a result, she's no threat to the other women on the team and consequently they all consider her their best friend. Gradually, you get up the nerve to ask her out, but it's not going to happen because of one of the three next types listed.... The Turd Husband You find out that Ms. Perfect may be married to The Turd Husband. He's the guy who everyone prays won't be able to come to the team Cristmas party with Ms. Perfect. You know - the guy who always leaves his finperprints in the onion dip. He swam in high school, where he and Ms. Perfect were sweethearts (a classic case of buying at the right time). Now he won't go within a mile of a pool unless it's to go to her meets and complain what a waste of time swimming is to anyone who will listen. He'll complain to the lifeguard if no one else will listen. Despite that, he is the world's leading expert on all things swimming - from training to competition to the Olympics to which of the barely-legal women on the team looks best in a swim suit - he knows it all. Just ask him, he'll be all too glad to tell you. If he is at a meet, he is often reading a paperback with a name like "Biff Studmuffin: Lost Commando Patrol Leader #47" and he's read the first 46 in the series as well. He's not physically abusive, but treats the household appliances with more respect than he does Ms. Perfect. It's impossible to understand why Ms. Perfect stays with The Turd Husband, but maybe someday she'll tell him to hang his skidmarked underware off of someone's else night table knob. At this point, Ms. Perfect may find... The "Friend" Ms. Perfect may have a "Friend." You know that other woman who swims in Ms. Perfect's lane? The one who is nearly a Ms. Perfect herself, except for the fact that she has an absolutely biting, sarcastic sense of humor that she verbally castrates you with on a regular basis? Well, she and Ms. Perfect live together and it's not because of financial reasons. Think about it - wouldn't the two most perfect women in the world want the most perfect partners in the world? Of course they would. And since they are the most perfect creatures in God's creation, who better? Certainly not.... You At 5 AM you awake in your parents' converted basement to a self-produced burst of flatulance that raises the covers 12 inches and slingshots the cat halfway across the room. You have aspirated part of the pillow with your violent snoring. The non-aspirated part of the pillow has deep gouges in it from your 3 day old stubble, which is coarse enough to be used to clean a barbeque grill. In a panic, you realize that you'll barely have time to make swim practice and then hurry over to Burger World, where you are Lead Hash Brown Cooking Technologist. Stumbling towards the 4'X4' bathroom, you step on something unpleasant and realize that your cat is protesting you not scooping the cat litter for the last month. You try to remember where the litter box actually is, but decide that you can just follow the ammonia smell if you really need to find it some day. Left over pizza from last July 4th oozes off the top of a lampshade like a moldering stalagtite. In the bathroom you realize that the toilet is still clogged - It's the same thought you've had for the last 2 weeks at this time of the morning. You vow to get it later tonight. You also vow to eat more fiber so the clogging happens less often. Congratulating yourself on your resourcefulness, you pee in the sink, while humming "I Did It My Way". You wonder if all that hair on your back and in your ears was there the day before. Still hung over slightly, you slump against the sink with the grace of a deer that's taken a bullet to the gut. With foaming toothpaste running down your right arm, you face yourself for a moment of agonizing self-appraisal. This lasts for about 2 nanoseconds and then you go back to what you were originally thinking: "This is it! Today's the day! Today at practice, I'll ask Ms Perfect to go out with me! Today she gets the limitless benefits of my irresistable masculine attentions! God, won't the other women on the team be jealous!?!" -LBJ

The Payback is a B%$&^ This person swam circles around you, was waaay better looking than you, AND was perfect in every way both in and out of the pool. He/ she never gave you a moment's notice back in the day. Now however, the tables are turned and you are kicking their a$$ in the pool AND you're still the same size you were in high school. Payback person, not so fortunate.

The Mystery No one on the team (even the team busybody) really knows the story on this person even though Mystery has been swimming with your team off and on for years. This physically perfect specimen alternates between driving an expensive foreign sports car, SUV, and motorcycle and often moonlights as a Kona qualifying Ironman (top 3 in AG) in addition to being one of the fastest swimmers on the team. Typically, mystery is off in Hawaii, New Zealand, or West Palm Beach for training; however, he/ she occasionally makes an appearance at your podunk facility. Mystery does not appear to have a job or family/ spouse but it's rumored that he/ she has a sizable trust fund with multiple dwellings all over the world. You are honored when Mystery even acknowledges you and you briefly consider how to ditch your spouse for a quick fling with this gem (not that mystery would even consider you.)

The 9Monther-This person only swims from Sept to June. You never see this person on an LCM Top Ten or at any LCM meets. This is due to being at a location where there aren't LCM pools or meets, does the Triathlons in the summer, or is at the beach house all summer.

Aw sugar is someone not getting enough attention from the boys at swim practice? ;) Oh, can you please help me? I used to be the belle of the ball and I'm so upset that nobody pays attention to me anymore. All the flashy suits and long fingernails just don't seem to do it anymore. I just don't feel like a real woman anymore because the men aren't dropping at my feet asking what they can do for me. :cry:

The Exhibitionist The swimmer who is oblivious to the fact that his/her practice suit has become painfully see-through. Only gets a new suit when a fellow swimmer offers to buy him/her a new suit.

The Bulldozer Usually gets in late and dives in right in the middle of warmup. You realize he's there immediately because he always swims right down the center of the lane. His stroke is a little ugly and he's a little bit of a Sammy save-up, but you can't really get too mad at him because he's a nice guy. The Gung-Ho Guy Always starts the set within ten seconds of when the coach is finished explaining it.