A quick question for the knowledgeable readers out there. This NYT magazine called Play recently contacted me about writing a piece for a section they call "Master Class" -- they want me to go someplace warm and get some swimming instruction of some sort.
I know that USMS used to have some kind of program where masters swimmers could apply to go out to Colorado Springs for intensive coaching, stroke analysis in the ICAR flume, etc. Is this still going on, do any of you know, and would it be possible to just do a "lite" version of this (a day or two; bypass the application process; not actually need to be an elite swimmer; etc.)
The other possibilities would be one of Terry's TI camps (though, God help me, front quadrant swimming really hurts my shoulders, and I feel this dog is just too old to learn that particular new trick).
Or--and this might be my favorite of all--didn't Gary Hall, Jr. start some sort of Sprint Club training camp down in Key West or the Bahamas or some similar place that would prove the perfect antidote to Pittsburgh this time of the year, especially if I don't have to pay for it?
Please let me know the details of any such possibiities--the editor did specify he'd prefer me to go someplace "warm and outdoors-y." Which makes two of us.
Girls, girls! (Women, women?)
There's room for you all!
The younger one to play video games with me, the older one to give me my bath and help me into my Speedo, and the two together--wielding unguents--to annoint my tired and flagging muscles, administer my various pharmaceutical agents, and bring me back to sort-of-life!
When it comes to manservants, a guy like me can never have too many! I can actually see the two of you swimming right next to me, like healthy dolphins helping their sick and weak elder keep his blowhole above the surface, even as Gary Hall, Jr.--channeling the spirit of grandpa Charles "Lincoln Savings and Loan Scandal" Keating--barks "faster, faster!" in the subtropical background.
Ah--there must be a flock of parrots, too, cackling beneathe a cerulean sky!
This is truly going to be great...
Peter, that pretty much sums it up. Why can't Canada just take over our country and restore sense to the lower Provinces?
I am really hoping Gary Hall Jr. doesn't read this thread, because I think he and his grandpa were pretty close.
In terms of a butler, Rich it would be great if you could come, and I will lobby the NYT powers-to-be to loosen their purse strings. I will have my people contact you, Leslie, and FlyGurl. The contracts are pretty straight forward: the latter two manservants need only show proof of being nubile and healthy enough to execute their duties (as close readers of the thread will know by now: video games, bath, unguents, etc.) As for Rich, yours is perhaps a bit more difficult: proof of musculature sufficient to protect me from an enraged Gary Hall, Jr if he has read this thread and taken offense; while at the same time proof of eunuch-ification (a standard requirement I have for all my male manservants--call me old fashioned.)
I can see it now. In a few weeks we'll read "USMS swimmer disappears at tropical swim camp. Last seen hoisted on the shoulders of bare-breasted indigenes and headed into the dense rainforest, Mr.Thornton was clutching an enormous bottle of rum to his bosom and loudly proclaiming 'I'm the King of the Pool!' ".
I'll weigh in with an elliptical short story that ties in Jim's disappearance to the Bork's galactic conspiracy.
Kyra will write a lilting poem lamenting that nothing interesting like that happens where she lives.
GoodSmith will go off on a rant berating Jim for choosing a foreign swim camp.
Mel will point out that a high altitude camp would have left Jim with no energy for shenanigans.
Frank will post a well-researched history of masters swimmers who disappeared with a smile on their face.
Leslie will launch a class action suit on their behalf.
Heather will be sad until she learned that Jim frequently swam breastroke.
Matt will question the non-swimming related content.
Rich will post a witty limerick laced with double entendre that will
Shut down the thread.
Then Jim's editor will receive an untraceable telegram requesting a two-year extension on his deadline.
That sounds very accurate ...
Fort & Geek, obviously you two both need to be seperated. If you were my students you'd both have yellow cards and need to take those home and get them signed.
In all seriousness though, if you don't want to be attacked then stop attacking others. If you feel like you are being attacked either defuse the situation with *gasp* humor or PM the person and let them know. Geek, did you really expect Fort to simple back off and not respond to an attack on her? Twice? Please ....
I have'nt read all the posts on this thread since the discussion seemed to get off topic, but I didn't see a response to Jim's original question regarding the USMS high altitude swim camp at Colorado Springs.
The last camp was a little over a year ago. The USOC determined that it was no longer possible to accomodate USMS at the swim camp. Nancy Rideout is the one who organizes this activity. I spoke to her at our SCM Championship meet in December and she said that nothing has yet changed but they were still looking into a camp somewhere.
In the meantime, I understand that Rowdy Gaines is now the liason for the USOC to USMS and that he wants to find a way to get the swim camp back at Colorado Springs.
So Jim your best bet at this time is to contact Nancy Rideout.
Good Luck!
I am ashamed that the prospect of serving as my manservants has not blasted all other thoughts from the heads of comely forum readers.
God knows I have tried.
I should have known.
I offered myself up to be doted upon by top Israeli and Palestinian pageant contestants, not too mention those wee colleens in Northern Ireland with their kelly green and bright orange bikinis, respectively. I have even put out feelers to the Sunnis and the Shiite babes in their Fastskin burkas.
Alas, no manner of personal sacrifice seems to do any good at all. I remain a doddering old fool with no one to help me win a Nobel Peace Prize, or, for that matter, give me a decent bath. If it weren't for last night's 6000 yards in heavily chlorinated water, I would surely be as physically filthy and pestilence-ridden as my mind.
Oh, the humanity!
Bork, and I thought despite all that I would have been enough to entice you ... guess not ... drat!
As for the career change, how long does med school and a residency really take? In 10 years when you are done give me a call ... though I bet your super cool bar dancing wife wouldn't be all too happy ...
I have'nt read all the posts on this thread since the discussion seemed to get off topic, but I didn't see a response to Jim's original question regarding the USMS high altitude swim camp at Colorado Springs.
The last camp was a little over a year ago. The USOC determined that it was no longer possible to accomodate USMS at the swim camp. Nancy Rideout is the one who organizes this activity. I spoke to her at our SCM Championship meet in December and she said that nothing has yet changed but they were still looking into a camp somewhere.
In the meantime, I understand that Rowdy Gaines is now the liason for the USOC to USMS and that he wants to find a way to get the swim camp back at Colorado Springs.
So Jim your best bet at this time is to contact Nancy Rideout.
Good Luck!
Glenn..thanks, I..I feel myself...I feel myself emerging from my reverie.
I concede I do, from time to time, slip into a mode that is perhaps otherworldly, and by otherworldly, I mean the sort of place proscribed by Holy Books everywhere. Anyhow, I apologize.
Thanks for the info and the contact. I will definitely keep you all posted on the progress, or lack thereof, on this article--which could still be completely bollixed up by the New York Times failing to meet my asking price of $127 per word, 3500 word minimum, plus expenses. (My fall back negotiating position is 2 cents a word, five word minimum, but please do not reveal this as I prefer to go with the former.)
I feel myself slipping into reverie once again, this time one of fiduciary grandeur--not the tiresome idiotic DNA-related promulgations fantasies.
Sorry. Back now to the Good Book which sagely advises one and all: "The Pursuit of Money Chaseth Away Sleep."
I can see it now. In a few weeks we'll read "USMS swimmer disappears at tropical swim camp. Last seen hoisted on the shoulders of bare-breasted indigenes and headed into the dense rainforest, Mr.Thornton was clutching an enormous bottle of rum to his bosom and loudly proclaiming 'I'm the King of the Pool!' ".
I'll weigh in with an elliptical short story that ties in Jim's disappearance to the Bork's galactic conspiracy.
Kyra will write a lilting poem lamenting that nothing interesting like that happens where she lives.
GoodSmith will go off on a rant berating Jim for choosing a foreign swim camp.
Mel will point out that a high altitude camp would have left Jim with no energy for shenanigans.
Frank will post a well-researched history of masters swimmers who disappeared with a smile on their face.
Leslie will launch a class action suit on their behalf.
Heather will be sad until she learned that Jim frequently swam breastroke.
Matt will question the non-swimming related content.
Rich will post a witty limerick laced with double entendre that will
Shut down the thread.
Then Jim's editor will receive an untraceable telegram requesting a two-year extension on his deadline.
Not bad Biblioman. You just got a minor detail wrong. FlyQueen and I have broad backs and flat chests. We also have sore shoulders, so we cannot do that bare-breasted hoisting thing very well.
Here's my version:
Jim goes to the Race Club swim clinic because he is admittedly sick of front quadrant swimming and SPL lingo. He becomes so fast from proper sprinting that he ditches those engine building workouts and promptly beats GoodSmith and Paul Smith in the 50 free.
GoodSmith, in response, goes off on an anti-Pittsburgh rant and decides to have shoulder surgery to regain his lost glory.
Kyra stops sleeping so much and goes to the Race Club as Jim's manservant because she's the youngest and "fairest of them all."
Frank decides to go to the tropical swim camp after having carefully purused the allegedly sold out SI swimsuit issue.
Heather quits teaching, marries a flirt-permitting orthopod, and launches her own swim clinic, only accepting applicants with a sense of humor from Texas.
Jim gets another nasty PM because he keeps calling himself a Math "Geek" when he is really just a loud flyer.
Matt will continue to stick to the straight and narrow, seriously.
Leslie will develop an eye infection after attempting to swim at pollen-ridden, moldly Federal Way and go back to marathoning with (S)he-Man.
Rich becomes so fast at breaststroke that Peter never leaves Canada again. In a sesquipadalian fit, Peter joins Solar Energy on the other side of Canada and learns to speak French.
Zut alors!
