National teams and swimsuit companies are scrambling as word of a sudden advance in swimsuit design came in from Portland Oregon, site of this years USMS Masters LC Champs.
A design engineer from a large suit manufacturer spoke anonymously of the breakthough, "We understand one of the new suits spontaneously became a convertible model at the start of a heat. There was a sudden displacement of air when the objects in question broke through that was simultaneous with a withdrawing by the assembled timers, thus creating a partial vacuum that helped propel the swimmer off the blocks." He went on to say that wasn't even the main effect of the alteration, "There is much speculation that the rest of the suit did its job holding the swimmer in correct position, but the freeing of the buttocks to thrust up and down unimpeded created a local tidal effect along with a specific cyclonic disturbance that could be seen by a rapid flapping of the flags as the swimmer passed underneath." He cautioned that not all swimmers might benefit from this discovery, "We feel strongly that you must already have world class speed along with haunches that would excite envy in the Budweiser stables. One of our reps at the meet approached the swimmer with calipers later that evening but was rebuffed by a flung beer bottle!"
In a related story, a long time competitor of that swimmer (with the same last name) was seen entering a Krispy Kreme shop, vowing to catch up to his nemesis.
