My demented editor (I know he doesn't swim, but I can only hope he isn't a closet masters swim forum lurker) has recently proposed sending me to Afghanistan, which I can't even spell, in order to do a story not on the resurgent Taliban or even the ups and downs of the opium trade, but rather on the enduring popularity of male body building in that ruined country. Supposedly, despite all the troubles over there, muscle gyms abound in Kabul--testimony, in my editor's eyes, at least, to the ineradicability of male vanity.
Why he wants me to write about this is a more complicated story, but I replied that I thought his essential premise was flawed--that men don't body build out of vanity/desire to impress the distaff gender; they do it (in my opinion--must check with evolutionary psychologists for verification; the attached poll is a way of gauging feminine sentiment regarding hypermuscularity) to keep other guys from beating them up. The largest per capita rate of male body building in the US goes is in prisons in states where the respective state legislatures have not banned barbells (hoping to prevent super criminals from being released en masse upon the flabby public when their sentences are over.) My editor was undeterred by my theories and objections--he still wants me to go.
For a variety of reasons, including a probable State Department ban on tourism to countries we're at war with (again, more research needed), I doubt I will actually be going to Afghanistan. But in the remote case I do go, does anyone know places to swim over there?
If I am to be the first "journalist" beheaded during the Global War on Terror, not for investigating this, to be sure, but while reporting on muscle gyms, I would like to at least be able to get some final relaxing laps in before losing my head.
PS if anyone is interested in coming along as a personal masseuse on this junket, let me know your measurements for the prerequisite burka (I think Amanda Beard might model these on the Speedo web site, but I'm not sure.) I'm thinking a good neck rub might serve to relax the cervical muscles, eliminating any knots that might otherwise impede the scimitar's progress, making my moment of dispatch as speedy and pleasant as possible
In this way, I--and not my demented editor--will get the last, albeit very short-lived, laugh!
In terms of insulting my job, no offense taken. I put quotes around "journalist" in my self description, and regularly insult myself for what I do, especially of late.
And on this note, I must beat a hasty retreat back to an explication of Type II diabetes and why this remains a much bigger risk for our citizenry than beheading.
Note: it is slowly donning on me that I may be somewhat of an incendiary influence on these forums. A modest proposal along these lines: if you see some topic that I've actually started, and you've been inclined in the past to find me offensive, boorish, pseudo-intellectual, obnoxious, or any of a myriad of other adjectives for repellant, might not it be a good idea to just leave those particular stones created by Jim unturned?
I have tried to fumigate the little exoskeletoned creatures that apparently thrive right below my skull cap, but it nevers seems to hold: my nature seems to remain unaltered. Knowing this, perhaps it's best just to avoid me and my ilk--just as I find myself recommending type II diabetics might want to find a route around any avenue lined with fast food restaurants.
On the other hand, if you enjoy a good argument--the more bitter and self-righteously blood pumping the better--by all means pile on! Just concede that it's possible that the nature of those offended by me is every bit as unalterable as mine is, and that vicious argument, for its own sake, is actually kind of fun.
And on this note, I say: raise your scimitars and let the fencing begin! He who holds his head the longest wins!
In terms of insulting my job, no offense taken. I put quotes around "journalist" in my self description, and regularly insult myself for what I do, especially of late.
And on this note, I must beat a hasty retreat back to an explication of Type II diabetes and why this remains a much bigger risk for our citizenry than beheading.
Note: it is slowly donning on me that I may be somewhat of an incendiary influence on these forums. A modest proposal along these lines: if you see some topic that I've actually started, and you've been inclined in the past to find me offensive, boorish, pseudo-intellectual, obnoxious, or any of a myriad of other adjectives for repellant, might not it be a good idea to just leave those particular stones created by Jim unturned?
I have tried to fumigate the little exoskeletoned creatures that apparently thrive right below my skull cap, but it nevers seems to hold: my nature seems to remain unaltered. Knowing this, perhaps it's best just to avoid me and my ilk--just as I find myself recommending type II diabetics might want to find a route around any avenue lined with fast food restaurants.
On the other hand, if you enjoy a good argument--the more bitter and self-righteously blood pumping the better--by all means pile on! Just concede that it's possible that the nature of those offended by me is every bit as unalterable as mine is, and that vicious argument, for its own sake, is actually kind of fun.
And on this note, I say: raise your scimitars and let the fencing begin! He who holds his head the longest wins!
