Spouses and Swimming

Tough one. You swim more frequently than I do. I’ve been married 30 years this year, and swimming is something I’ve done since long before I met my wife. So it isn’t something that I sprung on her recently. She doesn’t swim either, and I’m not going to try to recruit her to start. But the only time she complains about my swimming (or other fitness activities) is when it interferes with something else that involves her (e.g. plans with couple friends, dinner time, etc.) I’m certainly not a marriage counselor, but have you discussed it with her to figure out exactly what about it bothers her? Frequency; length; time of day; etc. I mean I know you’re probably restricted by lap swim session times at your pool, but it might be possible for you to swim at a different time…while she’s off doing “her thing”…and she won’t notice your absence. 

Dan

Whew.  Well, I only took up swimming a little over 5 years ago.  And my wife started out being supportive, but then it got to the point where it didn't affect her, as I was swimming while the kids were at practice at 5:00AM.  During the Summers and other periods, she kind of rolled her eyes and dealt with it.

Then the craziest thing happened.  67Queen, who did do light weights and strength based stuff when she was in med school, started running with a friend of hers.  Her sister wondered what was wrong, I wondered what was wrong.  But 3 of them used to get together and walk a lot, until one's knees got so bad that she couldn't really walk at any pace other than stroll.  So the other friend, who was a runner, somehow got 67Queen into runnning.  Now she will do races up to a half marathon.  I guess I got lucky.

But circling back to you, now that she runs, she understand that swimming is kind of my "thing," where I take care of me.  Sure i do try to mess with the cars and stuff, but she understands the importance of it.  Maybe you could find some sort of analogy that your partner does for her that you could analogize when she gets snarky?

It's hard for non-swimmers to understand how important swimming is. It's Complicated by the fact that she doesn't really exercise much. I think you just need to have a talk with her about how swimming is a matter of life or death for you and that if she wants to have you around it would be good if she could support it. 

What would she rather you do with your time? Looking at what she is passionate about might help with mutual understanding.

My wife and I basically met in the pool in college and we have been married for over 51 years. She is a swimmer and that really helps, but that doesn't mean that it has always been smooth. I am obsessional about swimming, where as she is more of a reasonable person about it. This has caused conflict. 

It sounds to me she is lacking empathy, may be a bit self-centered, and is passive-aggressive.  If I were in her shoes, I would be happy for you that you are taking care of yourself in a very positive way!  At least you aren't hanging out at a bar!

Ok, so that's me being too opinionated, but it's just my take based on what you wrote.

Perhaps I shouldn't be responding, because I do have a very supportive husband, mostly because he is the opposite of what I described in the first paragraph.  I am responding, however, because I have an idea for the two of you that works for me and my husband:

Does your wife have a hobby or interest she could use your help or support with to balance things out?  My husband is a fused glass artist and turned his retirement hobby into a small business around the same time I got back into swimming (2010).  I suggested he do craft shows, and I help him at the shows doing the display, selling, and running the business end of things.  I also set him up on Etsy and I run his online shop.  He feels supported, as a result.

Bruce supports my swimming by shooting video of my strokes (I train alone and don't have a coach) and has learned what to watch for in each of my strokes to help me improve.  He'll come out to the pool after he finishes his gym workout and give me feedback when I ask.  For meets, he is my sherpa, meet manager, videographer, and even offers to shoot video for my friends.

We call ourselves the "A Team," and we both feel completely supported. 

Perhaps you can get your wife to come to the pool and shoot video to help you improve your strokes.  Try to bring her into your sport, and, in turn, offer to support her in her hobbies.  You will both be able to spend more time together AND feel supported, as a result.

Good luck!

Golly, so sorry to hear you’re having to maneuver through such a sticky situation.  Have you pointed out that, health wise, swimming is really important so you can be around a lot longer?  A former team mate was able to turn his diabetes around, dropped cholesterol and triglycerides down to normal/excellent levels when he joined a masters team.  He was a former collegiate swimmer.   At the time he got back in the pool he was in his 60’s.  He’s in his 80’s now and going strong!  Can you invite her to go lap swimming with you?  Get her in the pool.  Perhaps attend a meet and see what goes on - so much fellowship with great people.  How ablout asking if she’s be interested in learning to judge and get certified?  That way, swimming and meets become something you enjoy together.  My husband and I are both in a US Master’s team.  We hold each other accountable.  I hope she eases up on you.  This is for your health.  Perhaps approach it in that light.