heaven

Pools? There are no pools in heaven, but there are endless vistas of open water to swim in with no sharks, jellyfish, drunks in boats, or pollution. There are mermaids, too. The weather is always 80 degrees and sunny and the water is always 72 degrees and clear as gin. The lifeguards are the female cast members of "Baywatch" and they sometimes give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (sp?), even if you don't need it, because they are SO devoted to their jobs. Especially Alexandra Paul - she is the most devoted lifeguard of all. After your swim and the massage (of course), you have your choice of Indian, Thai, Mexican or Italian restaurants -all vegetarian - where you are comp'ed because open water swimming is the official sport of heaven (so are racewalking and ultramarathoning and volleyball) and you are such a stud muffin. After dinner, it's on to a concert where you have a choice of Bruce Springsteen, James Brown, Frank Zappa, Grey Eye Glances, or Pink Floyd, depending on your mood. Here's the kicker: Tomorrow will be even better as it starts with Janine Turner waking you up, sotto voce, gently reminding you that you are due in Olso to accept the Nobel Peace and Physics prizes. Trust me. I am a legally ordained minister in a tax-dodge church and know these things. -Rev. Jansen, ULC, Pastor, St. Bridget Fonda's Church and Home for Wayward Swimmers.

Pools? There are no pools in heaven, but there are endless vistas of open water to swim in with no sharks, jellyfish, drunks in boats, or pollution. There are mermaids, too. The weather is always 80 degrees and sunny and the water is always 72 degrees and clear as gin. The lifeguards are the female cast members of "Baywatch" and they sometimes give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (sp?), even if you don't need it, because they are SO devoted to their jobs. Especially Alexandra Paul - she is the most devoted lifeguard of all. After your swim and the massage (of course), you have your choice of Indian, Thai, Mexican or Italian restaurants -all vegetarian - where you are comp'ed because open water swimming is the official sport of heaven (so are racewalking and ultramarathoning and volleyball) and you are such a stud muffin. After dinner, it's on to a concert where you have a choice of Bruce Springsteen, James Brown, Frank Zappa, Grey Eye Glances, or Pink Floyd, depending on your mood. Here's the kicker: Tomorrow will be even better as it starts with Janine Turner waking you up, sotto voce, gently reminding you that you are due in Olso to accept the Nobel Peace and Physics prizes. Trust me. I am a legally ordained minister in a tax-dodge church and know these things. -Rev. Jansen, ULC, Pastor, St. Bridget Fonda's Church and Home for Wayward Swimmers.