Depression

My sole reason for posting here is to share my life story to hopefully enable another human being to continue to cope with their pain. So I begin: My family; mother, father, older brother, and I had lived a comfortable life till my father's business went bankrupt due to the economic times. I remember the Cadillac car, and the maid who came to clean. I also remember when the comfortable life ended and my parents couldn't pay the rent and would ask either my brother or myself to take the money to the agent when they scrapped together enough money; they were apparently too embarrassed. I remember when we never got new clothes, just hand me downs from a cousin. I remember the tattered rugs and the broken furniture. I remember the initial parties I went to in the 4th grade but couldn't or wouldn't host do to the fear of being embarrassed by our home. So I stopped going to parties and probably didn't socially develop as others. I remember when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died when I was 14 years old after being in and out of hospitals for 4 or 5 years. I remember her accidentally opening the bathroom door when I must have been 9 years old and seeing the scars where her breasts had been removed. I remember that I had to fend for myself, if I didn't wash my own clothes I wore dirty clothes. I had mostly dirty underwear for all of my high school years. I remember not being able to socialize with girls in high school. I remember when my brother lost all his hair in high school. I remember that I didn't have one person over to our house all 4 years of high school. I remember the years when existentialism was popular and the most important question to that movement was whether to commit suicide or not. It was extremely appealing to me due to the few aspects of the life I described briefly above; getting it all over so as not to suffer any longer. I remember that I thought then: "What if this is the only chance I have to live? Maybe I should just try to live out my life and then die? So for whatever reasons I had then I choose life over death. There weren't the advances in medicine to treat depression then. So my brother and I choose to live rather than to die. He went through most of high school totally bald. Talk about feeling different. So what happened to us? He went to Harvard and became a professor; he is retired now and is 74 years old. I went to a lesser prestigious college and majored in math and physics and worked for IBM for upwards of 35 years. My career in IBM included management and representing IBM in Washington to a Congressionally chartered committee. I met the movers and shakers of the US; CEOs and the like. The most important thing I did though after deciding to live was to get married; we raised 4 sons, and now have 4 daughters-in-law and 11 grandchildren who we love deeply and profoundly. Oh, and when I retired from IBM I decided it was payback time for all that the US had done for me so I ran for political offices trying to save the world for our children and grandchildren. I ran for state office and other sundry positions. Oh, I never won. I checked out why and found out that the word on me was: "Bob, we can't vote for him; he's too honest---we can't trust him." I had the reputation of being a straight arrow. Remember this from a person who had seriously contemplated suicide. But enough of me. I hope that my brief account will bring hope to Tom that all is not lost. I also had failed romances that left me again contemplating suicide; I couldn't believe then and even now the intensity of the pain that these rejections caused me. But now I sometimes don't think of these women for years at a time. Finally, when I grew up in the forties and fifties there wasn't available the modern medicines that we have today. Perhaps I wouldn't have had to suffer then if the medicines were available. Sorry for the long posting but if it helps Tom in any way, shape, or form then I am happy I did it. Oh, I am going to be 72 next month. God bless you Tom….. From an anonymous friend called Bob.

My sole reason for posting here is to share my life story to hopefully enable another human being to continue to cope with their pain. So I begin: My family; mother, father, older brother, and I had lived a comfortable life till my father's business went bankrupt due to the economic times. I remember the Cadillac car, and the maid who came to clean. I also remember when the comfortable life ended and my parents couldn't pay the rent and would ask either my brother or myself to take the money to the agent when they scrapped together enough money; they were apparently too embarrassed. I remember when we never got new clothes, just hand me downs from a cousin. I remember the tattered rugs and the broken furniture. I remember the initial parties I went to in the 4th grade but couldn't or wouldn't host do to the fear of being embarrassed by our home. So I stopped going to parties and probably didn't socially develop as others. I remember when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died when I was 14 years old after being in and out of hospitals for 4 or 5 years. I remember her accidentally opening the bathroom door when I must have been 9 years old and seeing the scars where her breasts had been removed. I remember that I had to fend for myself, if I didn't wash my own clothes I wore dirty clothes. I had mostly dirty underwear for all of my high school years. I remember not being able to socialize with girls in high school. I remember when my brother lost all his hair in high school. I remember that I didn't have one person over to our house all 4 years of high school. I remember the years when existentialism was popular and the most important question to that movement was whether to commit suicide or not. It was extremely appealing to me due to the few aspects of the life I described briefly above; getting it all over so as not to suffer any longer. I remember that I thought then: "What if this is the only chance I have to live? Maybe I should just try to live out my life and then die? So for whatever reasons I had then I choose life over death. There weren't the advances in medicine to treat depression then. So my brother and I choose to live rather than to die. He went through most of high school totally bald. Talk about feeling different. So what happened to us? He went to Harvard and became a professor; he is retired now and is 74 years old. I went to a lesser prestigious college and majored in math and physics and worked for IBM for upwards of 35 years. My career in IBM included management and representing IBM in Washington to a Congressionally chartered committee. I met the movers and shakers of the US; CEOs and the like. The most important thing I did though after deciding to live was to get married; we raised 4 sons, and now have 4 daughters-in-law and 11 grandchildren who we love deeply and profoundly. Oh, and when I retired from IBM I decided it was payback time for all that the US had done for me so I ran for political offices trying to save the world for our children and grandchildren. I ran for state office and other sundry positions. Oh, I never won. I checked out why and found out that the word on me was: "Bob, we can't vote for him; he's too honest---we can't trust him." I had the reputation of being a straight arrow. Remember this from a person who had seriously contemplated suicide. But enough of me. I hope that my brief account will bring hope to Tom that all is not lost. I also had failed romances that left me again contemplating suicide; I couldn't believe then and even now the intensity of the pain that these rejections caused me. But now I sometimes don't think of these women for years at a time. Finally, when I grew up in the forties and fifties there wasn't available the modern medicines that we have today. Perhaps I wouldn't have had to suffer then if the medicines were available. Sorry for the long posting but if it helps Tom in any way, shape, or form then I am happy I did it. Oh, I am going to be 72 next month. God bless you Tom….. From an anonymous friend called Bob.