Ok, here it is. This takes a serious amount of courage for me to post this due to the obvious shame if feel here, but, I think it may help someone out there who is also experiencing the same type of situation..The following is an e-mail I wrote to Jim Thorton reaching out for him for guidance and help in this terrible time.
Jim:
I have not posted in two months now due to my severe depression. My wife of 25 years (whom I love dearly left me on 5 Aug.--no hope for our marriage). I attempted an honest crack at Jerry's way out that night...and one other time. So far this past two months I have spent one 12 day stint in the hospital and another week stint in the hospital attempting to deal with this very, very serious problem. To date, I have been unable to shake this thing. I see no hope for my life and frankly the pain and torment is so great that I really do not give a rat’s rear end about anything at this point. My problem is a simply one. I HATE being locked up..and all these units can do for guys like me is lock us up. Heck, I take Jerry's way any day to the padded cell stuff.
Any suggestions. Currently I am on Celexa and the pain and suffering are horrendous to say the least.
Kindest regards,
Tom Ellison
Parents
Former Member
Dear Tom,
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and depression run in my family. I have a chartable cyclical depression. My middle child and my mother can go into one with me on the same day, even though we are all in different states and are not even communicating on that day.
Depression comes from many sources. Bio-chemical imbalances, life circumstances and even our own thoughts can cause it. There is no easy line of demarkation sometimes.
I am in the deepest place I've been in many years. I think Jim Thornton may have written to you about me.
Today I was driving and suddenly a great weight almost pushed me down into my seat... yes, it was emotional, but physical too. Out of the blue. All I could do was cry...
How do I cope? Number one is that I recognize that it is not my "fault." It just is.
Number two is that I know God loves me and if He wants me, He can have me. So far I'm still here, so He must think I'm worth keeping around here a while longer. I yelled at Him today, "Why didn't you take me when you had your chances?!!!" I think I heard some distant chortling. Hey, maybe I'm entertainment... that'd be cool. I think it might be a really nice thing if I could make God laugh. Reading the Bible, prayer and fellowship aren't just for little children and old people ready to die. Oh yes, definition of fellowship: Some fellows in the same ship.
And that's Number three: I refuse to give up my sense of humor. My motto is "Go down laughing!"
Number four is as important as any: Don'y hide it from those who will support you. Talk about it. Share your feelings... in appropriate ways of course, but be open to others. This is what you have done here, and you can see from this that you are not alone.
Number five is "Keep moving." Only a moving ship can be steered. Work out (physical release is great for the rest of you). Visit people. I write essays and poetry and music sometimes. Go do something you enjoy. Force yourself to get up ad just do it. Or like I do sometimes, get pissed; use anger to focus your resolve not to let it beat you. All these combine to lift you in mind, body and spirit.
Number six is to get professional help if you need it, including medication. There is nothing wrong in getting help. If your car's engine is misfiring, you'll take it to the repair shop for a tuneup, won't you?
Anyway, I hope I don't sound "preachy". Just trying to be succinct. Hang in there. You are tougher and better than any mere feeling.
In your boat,
Andre Weisbrod
Dear Tom,
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and depression run in my family. I have a chartable cyclical depression. My middle child and my mother can go into one with me on the same day, even though we are all in different states and are not even communicating on that day.
Depression comes from many sources. Bio-chemical imbalances, life circumstances and even our own thoughts can cause it. There is no easy line of demarkation sometimes.
I am in the deepest place I've been in many years. I think Jim Thornton may have written to you about me.
Today I was driving and suddenly a great weight almost pushed me down into my seat... yes, it was emotional, but physical too. Out of the blue. All I could do was cry...
How do I cope? Number one is that I recognize that it is not my "fault." It just is.
Number two is that I know God loves me and if He wants me, He can have me. So far I'm still here, so He must think I'm worth keeping around here a while longer. I yelled at Him today, "Why didn't you take me when you had your chances?!!!" I think I heard some distant chortling. Hey, maybe I'm entertainment... that'd be cool. I think it might be a really nice thing if I could make God laugh. Reading the Bible, prayer and fellowship aren't just for little children and old people ready to die. Oh yes, definition of fellowship: Some fellows in the same ship.
And that's Number three: I refuse to give up my sense of humor. My motto is "Go down laughing!"
Number four is as important as any: Don'y hide it from those who will support you. Talk about it. Share your feelings... in appropriate ways of course, but be open to others. This is what you have done here, and you can see from this that you are not alone.
Number five is "Keep moving." Only a moving ship can be steered. Work out (physical release is great for the rest of you). Visit people. I write essays and poetry and music sometimes. Go do something you enjoy. Force yourself to get up ad just do it. Or like I do sometimes, get pissed; use anger to focus your resolve not to let it beat you. All these combine to lift you in mind, body and spirit.
Number six is to get professional help if you need it, including medication. There is nothing wrong in getting help. If your car's engine is misfiring, you'll take it to the repair shop for a tuneup, won't you?
Anyway, I hope I don't sound "preachy". Just trying to be succinct. Hang in there. You are tougher and better than any mere feeling.
In your boat,
Andre Weisbrod
