2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

chowmi — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 12:54:42 GMT

I think it really, really helps when your relationship is based on similar values and financial management. I don't think it's absolutely necessary that you and your significant other be athletes, but that you have activities that follow the same path and agreement of time & effort involved (daily schedule), and resources spent. I can see compatibility with other activities as well. My mother-in-law shows flowers - roses, iris, dayliliies. I've helped her for some of the competitions and it is every bit as competitive as any sport. She's pretty much asked me to leave or be quiet, which I found really funny because she was "in the zone" and getting her game face on. I laugh at myself because it would have been along the lines of her coming to my swim meet and trying to carry my bag for me, or constantly asking who's who because everyone has the same black colored kneeskin and is about 5 10 and 140 lbs. (Yes, those flowers all look alike to me!) (And i'm actually 5 8 1/2 but the optical illusion is that I am taller! hooray!) And if you aren't in alignment for the template of your life, then it's even that much more exacerbated (sp?) when you have kids. I don't like hearing parents complain about the other parent and how they "aren't supportive" of the ways their kids are raised. It usually is a difference in their core values to begin with.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

AnnG — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 11:14:22 GMT

The whole family is asleep while I workout. Last year I attended one event, an open water swim, and the family came to cheer me on and shop (their priority was not necessarily in that order). I caught the bug so this is my first year training for multiple events - lake swims in Oregon, another trip to SF bay for sharkfest and a pool meet or two. We'll see how this year goes, but my first pool meet was followed by shopping again, so no complaints so far. Darrin if you make it to only one open water event in Oregon, make it to the Cascade Lakes series at Elk Lake, five events over three days in a beautiful alpine lake with majestic snow topped mountains as your backdrop, one of my all time favorite places on earth doing one of my all time favorite activities - swimming! You can swim as many or few of the events as you wish. Very social family friendly beach with kid activities planned for Saturday between races.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Former Member — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 13:52:52 GMT

II only had 3 kids so it really wasn't a monumental task. Good grief - I must be doing something wrong then. I only have 2, am a SAHM and still find it hard work :afraid:

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Former Member — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 09:52:54 GMT

let the fact that the same person who owns fox news also owns the WSJ be your guide as to how factual this article might be. i did a lot of training with jordan this year, and we both swam to france in the shadow of the Pace Arrow. it certainly required a big commitment, and none of us could achieve success without the full support of family and friends, and since this is the 21st century, it is quite easy to keep in close contact with loved ones back home while we are holed up in dover... waiting for the call.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Celestial — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 07:38:20 GMT

Well, I'm definitely in the category of having a wife who is tolerant but feels worse about herself the more I commit to exercise. I can feel it, I can see it in her eyes. I am perfectly happy with her and love her as she is, yet the more in shape I get the less secure she becomes. I am not getting in shape for other women, . . . At times she has flat out said that the topic makes her feel worse about herself. If I try to encourage her to swim or get involved in something I worry it might come across as not being happy with her as she is. I have a similar life - I'm about 5'7" and 130lb, my sweetie is 5'9" and about 230lb - he can barely swim at all (IMO) let alone swim the way we do. He was (I think) jealous, at first when I started working out, because a lot of the people I would talk about from the pool were men, just happens there are more men who swim than women (probly due to the childbearing thing) - I have 5 kids, went back to school in my 30's to pursue my doctorate while raising those five - and I think he's absolutely SUPER - so supportive of all my new incarnations. I think what might have helped him was taking him to practice to see that I wasn't flirting with my practice buddies, introducing them to him (so see, he had a "claim" on me) and taking him to meets (my son's meets at this time) so he could get a hold of the excitement. We've been married almost 30 years now & he sure wishes I would play tennis with him, but it messes with my butterfly, so I don't do that much. I wonder if your sweetie gets out of breath or tires easily with exercise because she is not used to it. Remind her that it takes time, and that exercise comes in all forms - chasing after children & keeping the house spotless is a LOT of work & can completely wear me out! More than swimming, I'm sorry to say! :)

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Bobinator — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 06:09:31 GMT

It didn't make me as tired as I get now. Although now I'm much older. I really enjoyed the time I spent at home when the kids were little. By the time they were all 3 in school I was back to work full time and the whole situation sucked. I guess I'm sentimental for the old days.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

The Fortress — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 05:39:03 GMT

but again I only had 3 kids so it really wasn't a monumental task. :chug: It wasn't?! Yikes, I'm pretty nackered from it.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Bobinator — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 05:29:00 GMT

I think your Spa birthday gift should score major points!!!!! Great choice! I only had 3 kids and I stayed home for 8 years so I'm not necessarily an expert. (I always did part-time things such as judging gymnastics, worked 2 nights in a private gym for 4 hours, etc) I'd say the important thing is that you both have mutual respect for each others pursuits and interests and try to help each other have time to do the things you need to do to be a happy and functional person. Family time must also be respected and attended to. As a mostly stay-home mom I expected to render most services to the kids and family, but again I only had 3 kids so it really wasn't a monumental task. I normally did my workouts (running back then) 4:45-7:00 a.m. in the morning so my hubby could go to work and I'd be there for kids. Oh by the way my marriage ended up with a divorce however we are better friends now than when we were married. :chug:

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

swimshark — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 07:46:07 GMT

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

gobears — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 07:41:49 GMT

Actually this April for her 40th birthday she is going to this fancy spa in Williamsburg. I will take the kids to Busch Gardens and other touring while she stays back at the fancy hotel (whose price made me sweat while making the reservations) and gets 2 full days of pampering. Does that count? LOL. :applaud: You should definitely get some points for this! Though I do think that mom going away completely (as in full days and nights away--getting to sleep in and just plain not having to think about anyone else for a few days) is necessary as well. And, that way, dad gets to see what it's like to work as a full-time parent (with every waking and sleeping moment on-call). My husband was always very supportive and respectful of my staying at home with my kids. But, I left him to parent while I coached at a swim meet on a three-day weekend after we had our first baby. He called me on the second day of the meet and told me he had a whole new level of respect for what I had to do every day. And that was with just one kid! It was a great experience for both of us.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Former Member — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 08:40:36 GMT

When I started dating my current gf, she knew up front that I swim for fun and fitness. She understands that I like to swim 5-6 days a week. I need the fix from swimming to make me somewhat sane. Lucky for me, she is very supportive.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

taruky — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 07:39:30 GMT

That's the key right there. Until you've stayed at home with small children 24/7, 365 days a year, you'll never know just how difficult a job it can be. Respect goes a long way. taruky--have you ever given your wife a weekend (or longer) where she could get away from all of you? It's a win/win--she gets time off and you gain a whole new appreciation for her situation. She may just need a break! Actually this April for her 40th birthday she is going to this fancy spa in Williamsburg. I will take the kids to Busch Gardens and other touring while she stays back at the fancy hotel (whose price made me sweat while making the reservations) and gets 2 full days of pampering. Does that count? LOL. I think to make my wife really appreciate my newfound love of swimming, I should bring her to a meet like that in the "too much skin" thread.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

gobears — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 07:37:03 GMT

A lot depends on your outlook, appreciate everything she does, and respect her intelligence and education. That's the key right there. Until you've stayed at home with small children 24/7, 365 days a year, you'll never know just how difficult a job it can be. Respect goes a long way. taruky--have you ever given your wife a weekend (or longer) where she could get away from all of you? It's a win/win--she gets time off and you gain a whole new appreciation for her situation. She may just need a break!

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Former Member — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 15:20:09 GMT

Although my wife made the decision to be a stay at home mom I think it adds to the self-esteem issues. That's another dangerous topic to broach; you have to walk a fine line between appreciating what she does and recognizing what she could have done had she wanted, lol. Oh yes - I must admit, I go through ups & downs about it myself. I worked for a while after my 1st was born, but decided that my incremental salary after childcare just wasn't worth the stress and feeling that I wasn't being a good mom or a good department manager. I guess moving here changed things in that I have no work permit, so until I do I can't get a job anyway! Right now I take the attitude that my job is to look after the kids, be their taxi service, cook, clean (when I have to! I sometimes think I would go back to work solely to justify a housekeeper!),do laundry, pay bills, run errands etc. His job is to go out and make the money so we can have a nice house, nice cars and afford all the stuff we have. It sounds pretty anti-feminist and all that, but I for one would rather be able to stay home with our 3 yo and pick our 7yo up from school everyday than be a stressed out partner in an accountancy firm, living on fast food and seeing my kids for a couple of hours in the evening. A lot depends on your outlook, appreciate everything she does, and respect her intelligence and education. My husband still sometimes asks me for input on problems he has at work! Didn't this start out as a workout thread? :bolt:

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Former Member — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 11:25:08 GMT

Well, I'm definitely in the category of having a wife who is tolerant but feels worse about herself the more I commit to exercise. I can feel it, I can see it in her eyes. My wife has never been, nor do I think she will ever be into regular exercise. She enjoys yoga once or twice a week and might go on the treadmill once a week for 10 minutes. She is petite naturally and pretty (5'3 105) but not especially strong or toned. She tires easily with exercise, just doesn't seem to have the motivation (and she has regular checkups, no medical reasons for this). She's also a terrible sleeper. She is an educated stay at home mom. Anyone recognize this profile? I am perfectly happy with her and love her as she is, yet the more in shape I get the less secure she becomes. I am not getting in shape for other women, but I am happy seeing myself fit and I'm really aiming to swim in a master's national meet some day. I exercise maybe 1.5-2 hours a day, usually early in the morning either before or as they are waking up, then go to work (often a 12 hour shift). I purposefully avoid talking about my workouts or my goals with her because she doesn't seem interested or happy when I bring the topic up. At times she has flat out said that the topic makes her feel worse about herself. If I try to encourage her to swim or get involved in something I worry it might come across as not being happy with her as she is. I admit it would be nice if she shared this interest and we could swim together or talk about our workouts (like some of you). But you can't have everything. I recognise some similarities with my husband's situation. Pre-kids I would swim 4 times per week and would get the "swimming is taking over your life" attitude. He obviously hadn't met some of my team-mates, nor was he interested in meeting them :). However I was working full time and we ended up having our separate social lives as well as our together social lives, so it wasn't like he didn't get out. Now, I'm the educated stay at home mom that cherishes my 2 days when both kids are in school and I can get to the pool. He has a very demanding job and if he wanted to get in some regular exercise I'm not sure I'd see much of him at all. I do sometimes wonder if he feels bad about not exercising or worries about his weight. I certainly worry about his weight, but know better to tell him he's a fat lazy oaf, as really he's not (overweight yes, but lazy-not really), he's just not particularly disciplined in that area. I actually agree with him that swimming is a very boring spectator sport and I don't expect him to attend meets, but I do need him to look after the girls if I go to one, which then means that he is doing my job so I can swim. I do sometimes feel bad about that, but then again I make myself available 24/7 to look after the kids due to his long hours. I rarely if ever say if I've had a good workout, cos he really doesn't care, and I don't need his approval. It does sound like your wife needs something that is "hers" to kind of balance out your swimming time. It doesn't necessarily need to be exercise, particularly as she already has that "rockin' bod". Swimming is my escape, other people I know go to a weekly knitting circle. :blah::blah::blah::blah: Another long post which has some point to it somewhere, honestly.....but I can empathise with both of you.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Former Member — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 09:02:08 GMT

As the subject of this hatchet job of an article, I will just counsel people not to believe every word they read. That being said, it has come to my attention that I have become the catalyst (or rather lightning rod) for a wide dialogue about life choices and goals and working through relationships. Mankind is quick to judge and slow to forgive. G-d is slow to judge and quick to forgive. I have my utter faith in and fear of G-d. This is my edge, my drive, and the One to whom I answer. I am gifted to have a G-d-fearing family as well, and we are navigating our course as a family. I have been a competitive athlete for about 30 years now, and those who know me know I am not a gifted athlete, but one who loves training, sport, competition, expanding my boundaries through endurance challenges and the Channels and mountains I navigate with other kindred souls. Everyone must find his or her way. I was truthful in that I believe some of this is quite selfish. However, the reflection and prayer I undertake while on day-long swims, bike rides and Ironman races empower me to be a better, more patient and compassionate human. With love,

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

swimshark — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 08:22:51 GMT

My wife is 39, going to be 40 in April (I'm 43). In spring and summer we do bike as a family and go on walks a couple days a week. Although my wife made the decision to be a stay at home mom I think it adds to the self-esteem issues. That's another dangerous topic to broach; you have to walk a fine line between appreciating what she does and recognizing what she could have done had she wanted, lol. Maybe I should do yoga with her. She does do some group classes but pretty sporadically. Chris, my wife could out lose weight me any day of the week. She would just chuckle if I talked about how easily I lose weight. Now if I stared at my muscles in the mirror and said "you know how many women want this...", that might get her blood boiling, lol. Tell her to call me. She and I can go for walks once the weather warms up a bit. A few of us are going to start walking from our kids' school. The more the merrier. I'd love to meet her one day. Maybe we can meet up at the Freedom Ctr for a class. As for the muscles in the mirror :bolt: hee-hee

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

taruky — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 07:19:29 GMT

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

Chris Stevenson — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 04:55:44 GMT

I purposefully avoid talking about my workouts or my goals with her because she doesn't seem interested or happy when I bring the topic up. At times she has flat out said that the topic makes her feel worse about herself. Change the subject: mention how easily you can lose weight, too. She'll get a plenty good workout smacking you around for an hour or two. :bolt: (Sorry, I know you were being serious. I think Fortress and philoswimmer gave great advice.)

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

The Fortress — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 04:20:25 GMT

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

philoswimmer — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 04:15:03 GMT

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

taruky — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 02:45:22 GMT

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

The Fortress — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 12:50:28 GMT

Although I've quit triathlons, it's not like my routine changed wildly as a result. No long bike ride on Saturday, no long run on Sunday, less running on weekdays. I still exercise every day and I still bike for transportation. Overall it amounts to about 10-20% less time exercising. The big difference is that I'm not exhausted all the time. That's the win right there. Gull and Chaos got bant? I guess I missed the fireworks. :badday: Well, being exhausted all the time is a problem for other family members! I've heard people complain about "spousal uselessness." They (and Wookiee) got banned on the Welsford thread for off-topic posts about religion and such.

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

That Guy — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 12:46:23 GMT

I wouldn't count on it to last! Agree with the first sentence. While I'm not a fan of obsessive helicopter parenting, being absent for substantial periods of time for training, especially while the kids are young, is not much better. "Quality time" is a bit of a rationalization IMO. I sometimes wish Mr. Fort and I did the same sports, though we have done tri relays together. On the other hand, if we did this, who would tend/have tended the kids? Apparently, the person featured in the article is a friend of Chaos. It will be interesting to see what he has to say after his ban is over. I am also mildly surprised that most seem to have always supportive amazing spouses. Endurance sports are time consuming. Thus, far only the smilie That Guy :banana: has fessed up to any issues (and I admitted to periodic annoyance.) But, then, perhaps people do not want to discuss sleeping arrangements and such. Although I've quit triathlons, it's not like my routine changed wildly as a result. No long bike ride on Saturday, no long run on Sunday, less running on weekdays. I still exercise every day and I still bike for transportation. Overall it amounts to about 10-20% less time exercising. The big difference is that I'm not exhausted all the time. That's the win right there. Gull and Chaos got bant? I guess I missed the fireworks. :badday:

RE: 2011 WSJ Article: A Workout Ate My Marriage

The Fortress — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 11:49:06 GMT

I still submit "managing it just fine" is different than being a good parent when you work 40-60 hours/week and train another 20...not that I would know anything about being a good parent. I agree, training with a spouse has theoretical benefits (unless you are married to mine...she was once temporarily DQ'd from the largest local triathlon because her bike split was faster than the winning pro male...one race official was quoted as saying, "no way a girl went that fast")...my fragile ego and my weak body can't take the beating. BTW I kinda miss geek insulting me. I wouldn't count on it to last! Agree with the first sentence. While I'm not a fan of obsessive helicopter parenting, being absent for substantial periods of time for training, especially while the kids are young, is not much better. "Quality time" is a bit of a rationalization IMO. I sometimes wish Mr. Fort and I did the same sports, though we have done tri relays together. On the other hand, if we did this, who would tend/have tended the kids? Apparently, the person featured in the article is a friend of Chaos. It will be interesting to see what he has to say after his ban is over. I am also mildly surprised that most seem to have always supportive amazing spouses. Endurance sports are time consuming. Thus, far only the smilie That Guy :banana: has fessed up to any issues (and I admitted to periodic annoyance.) But, then, perhaps people do not want to discuss sleeping arrangements and such.