Depression

RE: Depression

Former Member — Fri, 15 Nov 2002 10:03:23 GMT

Sgt USNR Doc no claim to greatness. Uncle Sam financed my midlife crisis. Repelling down a hill while getting paid is more profitable than buying a red sports car and chasing my lost youth. 68 - 71 you forgotton more than I know. Includes 14 years as a Vol Firefighter. Roger that on getting through the day as a chore. I found nights were hardest. This is why I did the PT Monster stuff in the AM and the charity work later. You cannot eliminate the silent moments but simply reduce them. I'm looking at two years being away from my family due to my employer outsourcing my job and transferring me. No ship with 1000 lance criminals in the same position all of us fussin. (Family cannot move for medical reasons) Able to stall it but the best thing was to create a plan of what I will do when I get there. 1. PT Monster 2. Donate time to groups (no shortage there) 3. do not own a vehicle. Walk to everywhere I go thus burn calories and time and save money. (Since I am married again I could care less about impressing the oppsite sex) Still did not eliminate the depression of a seperation however when I had a plan I felt better. It does get better but slowly and you have to assualt through many times to get there. Do not make any life changing decisions for a year. Late Marine

RE: Depression

Former Member — Thu, 14 Nov 2002 12:32:20 GMT

Hey Doc: I appreciated your input..As an old Marine Plt. Sgt. in Uncle Sam's Misguided Children back in 68-71 I love Doc's. Your wisdom is well taken...Heck, until this junk, I took everything life had to offer full pop...straight on...with no problems...THis however, took me to my knees and the to the prone possition. Hey, when one is on the deck...all the that can happen is thay go up the ladder way...or they get heaved over board. I have come seriously close to getting heaved over board....but still find my slef standing up on deck...although a bit battered these past four months. In all honestly...every second of the day is a chore to get through...It is haunting and keeps nawing at my soul all the time. I'd take the stuff I saw in the corps all over agin twenty five times over before going through this past four months again. I keep busy, and just now I am able to think about once more getting back into the job market. Doc, thank you for you advice...I appreciate the words of wisdom...esp from a USN Doc... Kindest regards, Tom Ellison

RE: Depression

Former Member — Thu, 14 Nov 2002 11:44:44 GMT

Depression caused by inbalance, family situation, job or whatever is more disabling than a broken leg. Like swimming through mud uphill. We Say Again we are not your doctor. Treat everything said here with caution, and see your doctor! With that said When I was found single many moons ago 1. I became a PT monster. Then I was too tired at the end of the day to care about depression. Helps attracting the oppsite sex. 2. Get involved with something bigger than yourself. You have knowledge and experience (even painting a house for a disabled person, Drive a bus for a sunday school in the poor section of town) There is no shortage of work. Is a shortage of workers. 3. If you do not pray Start. If you do do more 4. By doing the above you will live well and that is the best revenge. This way the person who left you eat's their heart out. Takes a few years but it works. 5. Don't brag if you do refer to item #5. I evaluated why I was single and found I basicly was a self serving legond in my own mind. Still am but I nolonger deny it.

RE: Depression

Former Member — Wed, 13 Nov 2002 13:18:06 GMT

I want to thank you all for the wonder cards and heart warming letters. It will take time...but I will answer each card and letter. Many seriously moved and touched me during this very tough time. They helped more then you will ever know... Thank you all! Kindest regards, Tom Ellison

RE: Depression

Former Member — Tue, 05 Nov 2002 08:50:52 GMT

Tom, Sorry for not putting in my reply earlier but I've been away from the discussion groups... I applaud your strength and ability to reach out. I just wanted to add a brief note of my thanks to YOU. Over the past year, many of your comments and positive attitude to discussions have been an inspiration to me. This year I achieved competing for the 1st time and then went to compete in Australia at the World Masters competition last month. My courage came from people like YOU who have inspired me to push myself and achieve goals such as this. You've inspired many on this forum and will continue to do so. Regards, Dan

RE: Depression

Beards247 — Tue, 05 Nov 2002 03:57:37 GMT

Indeed Tom - Your post has caused me to look at my own life, to see if I am meeting my own goals. In fact I going to yet again mount an assult on my own initaitives. I hope this post finds you in a stable place, waiting out your own storms. Chris

RE: Depression

Former Member — Sun, 03 Nov 2002 16:33:59 GMT

On Tom Ellison's behalf, I would like to say thank you for all the mail I have been receiving for him. I will ensure he gets it promptly! It is obvious from the writing on the envelopes, many of you are concerned if only Tom will read the mail. Let me ASSURE you, ONLY TOM WILL OPEN THIS MAIL. I have no other interest other than helping my friend Tom through this. This is HIS private mail. I am sure these letters will have an impact on Tom and with the integrity and concern shown by the members of US Masters Swimming, I have high hopes that we can get him through these tough times. I will thank these people personally for their contributions to aid Tom with letters, prayer, funds, or all three: Nancy - Oceanport, NJ Rich - Denver, CO Kim - Austin, TX Cinsurins - Castle Rock, CO Dorothy & Ernest - Dallas, TX Ann - Galion, OH Unspecified - Nottingham, MD Laura - Denville, NJ Katie - N. Ft. Meyers, FL These are people taking time to show support by sending letters, I do not mean to leave out my thanks for those responding by email to this discussion thread. It warms my heart to see the support coming through for my friend Tom. It is with your support that I think we can make him see a light ahead; a light that shows direction, not a rushing train! The last time I saw Tom was yesterday at Denny's, where I took him to breakfast. He is helping me with a new business venture that I hope will succeed enough for me to show my appreciation for his efforts. Understand this man has shown me a most complete love for his wife and family and it has never stopped there; his love is shown for each and every human being that comes his way. It is a dreadful shame that Tom's life has taken this sour note with the estrangement of his wife and, through the turmoil, his children. Your letters, cards, contributions and expression of care, are all helping Tom cope with this depression. Our guidance will show him the way and in holding hands together, we can show any person brave enough to share their most severe moments, that we can, and will, be there to help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all US Masters Swimmers for responding. Please keep the cards and letters coming so I can flood Tom with obvious reasons to live. My kindest regards, Les Vollmer I.C.O. Tom Ellison PO Box 5071 Granbury, TX 76049

RE: Depression

Former Member — Thu, 31 Oct 2002 17:01:09 GMT

Here here, Mark! Tom, go for it. It has been said that he who tries and fails is infinitely better than he who fails to try. It is in the trying that we are alive. And I have many failures to prove it! :) Which makes the occasional success even sweeter. Andre :cool:

RE: Depression

Nancy Ridout — Thu, 31 Oct 2002 01:05:17 GMT

Tom, You have been in my thoughts and prayers since I began reading your thread about 3 weeks ago. I wish I had added my support earlier. Laura Val alerted me to your initial posting and we both been very concerned. As you, I have learned that USMS members are caring and willing to expose their own frailties in order to help a friend they don't even know. I have learned that some will go to great extents to be sure their support is heard and felt. I have also learned that one can get exhausted to the point of hopelessness trying to fight an enemy that never sleeps. When I read your "last" posting, I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. That's when I realized how very hopeless living had become for you and that life without hope would not be worth the fight; even after all the messages of support and concern, you couldn't find your way out of the darkness. Perhaps you still had a glimmer of hope and fight left and that's why you're still with us, looking forward to a swim meet. Along with many, many others, I am very glad you ARE with us and are making plans for the future. One piece of advice, which you can take or leave, is that in your quest to break 20 minutes for the 1650, focus on some process goals along the way, rather than only an outcome goal. Focussing only on an outcome goal can be risky and less than productive in the long run. By focussing on the process goals (stroke mechanics, distance per stroke, streamlines, pushoffs, etc.) and quantifying them, you can find value and satisfaction in the training from something other than the clock. And their value and satisfaction will be measured and evaluated by you, not by an external source, and that is a very productive and positive feeling and way to evaluate your training. Congratulations on choosing life! As time passes, I hope your life will become full and joyous and that you will experience inner peace. I look forward - along with many others - to meeting you in Tempe. Please keep in touch. Nancy

RE: Depression

Former Member — Wed, 30 Oct 2002 16:27:02 GMT

Dear Ion: I sincerely appreciate your post...Having said that...Please watch in Tempe...The 20 minute wall WILL FALL.It has many times before...but..in a very, very different frame of mind....but, I will bust 20....count on it my friend.... Kindest regards, Tom Ellison

RE: Depression

Former Member — Wed, 30 Oct 2002 14:33:38 GMT

I am thinking Tom, that your stated goal to swim the 1,650 freestyle at the Nationals in April 2003 in Tempe with the intention of "...busting 20..." minutes, might work against you. The reason I write this, is that what topped all the losses you managed absorbing up to a moment, is the fact that you were in the middle of an 1,650 free and walked out of it; this unleashed the pressure cumulating, waiting for a 'reason' to trigger the depression. I figure that during that last 1,650 free you were burdened and swimming in a pathetic way at the 350 yards mark, then at the 383 yards mark, in what usually was a succesful part of your identity. Swimming 1,650 free and "...busting 20..." minutes, requires a gritty effort, from a serene state of mind to build and to rebuild slowly. In the incoming months from now, if I were in the same situation, I would compete in the 50 and 100 free. They don't require a gritty effort like the 1,650 free, and they give instant gratification. It's good for now.

RE: Depression

Former Member — Wed, 30 Oct 2002 10:57:41 GMT

Hi Tom - no need to apologize! I was just so pleased to see your post and know that you are OK. I haven't "been there" as have some of the others like freegirl, so I can't offer the kind of encouragement as somebody who has been there and come back. What I can say is to encourage you to hear them - it will take time, and the light at the end of the tunnel may be far away at this moment, but it's there, and eventually (and it may take a while) you will walk out into the sunlight again. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us. Keep up the faith.

RE: Depression

Former Member — Wed, 30 Oct 2002 08:26:17 GMT

Dearest Tom, As with many who wrote here, you do not know me nor I you. However, I do know the dark place from which you are emerging. I, too, planned to take my life after my marriage of 20 years ended and I lost my father all within a few months of one another. The pain was so unbearable. I sat at my kitchen table with a bottle of pills laid out before me. I couldn't imagine feeling like that anymore. Somehow I realized that even if I killed my body, my soul would go on tortured and unresolved. Somehow, I found a way to choose to go on -- to fight and try to climb out of that dark pit. It was not an easy decision and the path was not without perile. Tom, you need not feel shame with me. I would not presume to know how you feel, but I do understand the feeling of despair. I have been so fortunate to have found a wonderful therapist who has helped me to learn to love myself. To learn and know of my self worth. To know that I am only defined by me. Tom, you are so valued. I truly hope that you will come to know this of yourself and find a way back to you. Know that you have a friend in me. God bless you.

RE: Depression

Former Member — Tue, 29 Oct 2002 13:22:24 GMT

Originally posted by Tom Ellison ... I want to fight this darm thing, ... ... Tom Ellison Tom, let's fight the desesperate thoughts together, you, doctors, me, and many USMS swimmers concerned about this happening. To vent and not bottle the forces of the desesperate thoughts, please post here very often, so that you are not alone to absorb them, because anyone among us experiences painful thoughts and shouldn't be alone. I will write to you at the address provided by Mark.

RE: Depression

Former Member — Tue, 29 Oct 2002 11:21:22 GMT

Again I feel ashamed, deeply embarrassed and degraded by my actions. I had everything planned until my dear friends Charlie and Kate (young neighbors upstairs) walked around the corner from the parking lot while I was sitting in my lawn chair in front of my apt here in Fort Worth, ready to end my life. Right at that moment Charlie asked me what I was doing and obviously he already knew the answer to his question. To make a sorry story short, I gave Charlie the knife (per his request) and opted for medicine. By the time it was taking effect….the police arrived with an ambulance which took me to the hospital. I was discharged yesterday evening. I am home…and frankly, do not want to travel that path again. I want to fight this darm thing, but often the pain and despair is simply awful and beats the stuffing out of me. Things are burnt in my brain that out weight my will to live. I apologize to the entire USMS community for my sorry behavior. The only comfort I have at this point is found in the fact that for the first 52 ½ years of my life…I never quit anything…especially at life. Thank you all for your prayers kindness, e-mails, support and cards. Kindest regards, Tom Ellison

RE: Depression

joy — Tue, 29 Oct 2002 10:18:10 GMT

Tom What at wonderful surprise to have u back on line and still here with us. It scared me so much when I read ur last e-mail that I cried and prayed alot for u. Hopefully u are getting a lot of good counseling and they are monitoring ur medications. There is no reason to apologize for what life is handing u. U have done what is right in reaching out for answers u do not know in trying to find out what is the proper thing to do in a very sad and devastating situation. We are all thinking good thoughts for u and here for u if we can help in any way. Please do not think u are all alone with no where to go. Call a sponsor or counselor and have them come to be with u when u think u are really in trouble. This is only my 2 cents but I do care what happens to u. Be good to urself and recover that self esteem u need to get on with ur life. If ur a swimmer ur a fighter. So fight the good fight my friend and plz do not give up anymore. Reach beyond.

RE: Depression

Jim Miller, MD — Mon, 28 Oct 2002 08:45:48 GMT

Many of you have been following this discussion forum regarding an athlete and his fight with depression, a terrible disease. Depression is just as real a disease process as anthing else. The only exception is that the chemical imbalances that lead to it are contained in the brain. That has made their isolation and measurement very dfficult for medical science. Because of that and the strong hereditary nature of this disease, many fight this battle daily for their entire lives. New medications and a better understanding of diet and exercise, as they impact our lives and balance, are bringing new hope to those with depression and related conditions. Now they can restore balance to their lives. Selection of medication and achieving this balance are always challenging, with constant feedback from the patient and family to the physicians. It is rarely a condition that anyone can cure themselves. Once again realize that this is a biochemical, usually inherited, disease, though some medications can upset this internal balance. You will always be correct in advising anyone who is reaching out to consult their family and physician for help. I wish Tom well in his battle with depression.

RE: Depression

Former Member — Sat, 26 Oct 2002 11:37:43 GMT

I feel so badly for Tom - and so helpless ! I lost a really good friend in 1985, Gerry Macnamee. He too,was depressed. I don't think it has anything to do with swimming - my friend was also in his early 50's and I wonder to what extent the age plays a part in this. I hope Tom knows how many people are rooting for him and that they really care................. Bert

RE: Depression

Former Member — Fri, 25 Oct 2002 16:51:03 GMT

We called the police in Mansfield, and were not the first to do so. The operator could not find and Ellison in Mansfield, but they are investigating a Tom Ellison in Fort Worth. If anyone knows of his phone number or other contact information Please let them know. You can call the police at 817-473-9381 or 817-335-4222

RE: Depression

Former Member — Fri, 25 Oct 2002 16:15:21 GMT

I wept when I read the latest postings in this forum and castigated myself for not doing more. I propose we set up a fund to help Tom assuming he is still alive. I will start by initially anonymously donating $200.0 Anonymous Bob I would set up a method to get the money to him but for personal reasons wish to remain anonymous.

RE: Depression

Beards247 — Fri, 25 Oct 2002 11:54:26 GMT

3rd party information: From what I understand, Tom is currently in an area hospital. No idea of any details: though hospital = life in my book. Chris

RE: Depression

jim thornton — Fri, 25 Oct 2002 10:24:03 GMT

I'm praying that Tom had a last minute change of heart. If anyone knows more about this situation, please post an update. Tom, wherever you are, we wish you well.

RE: Depression

Former Member — Thu, 24 Oct 2002 15:37:21 GMT

Konw that I feel fear right now...a great deal of it...but I kow the peace to come will out weight this pain.... Good bye to all my friends in the United States Masters Swimming community. I wanted to thank you all for your prayers, kind posts, private e-mails and heart felt support these past weeks. Please know that I am truly sorry I could not beat this illness and go on with my life. In short, it won and I got out of the pool in the middle of the 1650 free, dried off and went home a beaten man. Only in this case…a minute or so after posting this, I am going to take my life in a manner that will have no chance for survival. My life will be over by the time you read my final post. Please continue to keep this on the sight in hopes that someone out there might seek help much sooner then I did for depression or mental illness. I should have sought help years ago, but felt I could beat this on my own (the old saying that “men are men—where we keep our feelings inside and deal with our problems by ourselves”). Then I lost Kim, estranged my children, lost my dignity, corrupted my self-esteem, my self-respect, my honor, my pride, my home, and my job….which ultimately lead me to this decision to take my life. The pain and guilt were simply too great and the prospects for a normal pain free future were bleak and impossible to say the least. I want to make a special note of thanks to some truly wonderful, decent, caring and loving people that stood by me through all of this. To Jennifer, Greg, Les and Mark in Md., thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and kindness. I feel a tremendous amount of sadness that I let you guys down along with my family, friends and fellow Masters Swimmers. I am truly sorry for this and wished it had turned out different. Know that I loved you all very, very much! In Mark from Md’s case, I never had the opportunity to even meet this fine man, yet he demonstrated a tremendous amount of love and compassion that touched me deeply…thank you Mark. Jim Thornton, I never met you either, yet you attempted to guide me to the right path through your inspiring writing, great advice and words of wisdom. Thank you! Again, thank you all for your prayers, posts, private e-mails, kindness and support; it helped make my last weeks a bit more bearable. Good bye and God bless you all… Love, Tom Ellison

RE: Depression

swim53 — Sun, 20 Oct 2002 02:18:33 GMT

I have been tuning in to this thread from time to time starting when it first appeared. I'm feeling like it's time to chime in and tell you, Tom, that you are in my thoughts and prayers also. You are showing a lot of courage and you'll get through this. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago with depression and sought counseling and am using medication. My depression was mild compared to what yours sounds like. I know how awful even a lesser form can be, so I can't imagine what things are like for you. Obviously, there are many people out there who are "with" ya- we are all thinking of you and saying prayers for you. I'm glad you reply now and then to update us. Take things day to day, or hour to hour if you have to...good luck and God Bless.

RE: Depression

Allen Stark — Sat, 19 Oct 2002 10:18:08 GMT

Tom; I am a Psychiatrist as well as a swimmer. If you are still not finding the celexa very helpful ask your doctor about wellbutrin or effexor.Wellbutrin especially is often better for men than an SSRI like celexa.Male depression is more likely to be related to low brain norepinephrine,where as female depression is more often due to low seratonin I am praying for you.I also think that helps